Could Have Beans
by unostalgic
Summary: Life is hard when you're small, but life without love is so much harder. Twelve years have been lost to Arrietty longing for her childhood love and the moments that could have been. Beans and borrowers aren't meant to fall in love, but she gets a second chance at love, this time, his size.
1. So Many Years Have Passed

**COULD HAVE BEANS**

So Many Years Have Passed 

_a/n: this is about the cutest movie ever, but I don't own 'karagurashi no Arrietty'. _

* * *

Life is hard when you're small.

Arrietty knows this, she's a borrower. She borrows things from humans that they won't miss, little trinkets like earrings, pins and buttons. She and her family need to take these things from humans because they have no other way of survival. Their kind is dying out, and there are few of them left in the world. They just aren't adept to the environment human beans keep changing.

Arrietty had always grown up taught that these human beans were insensitive creatures, only doing things in their best interest if it benefitted them only. But now she knows much better. She's been exposed to the human kind, and now she knows not every bean is a threat, not all of them are dangerous. It's all because of one person – Shō.

Young, frail and human, he opened her eyes to his world. Arrietty discovered, to her surprise, he hadn't wanted to hurt her; all he wanted to do was protect her. His heart was weak, but it was made of gold.

Life is hard when you're small, but life without love is so much harder. Even twelve years after their parting, a little part of her heart still longs for him – for him to hold her close ad warm in her hand and tell her softly that he missed her.

Is this what love feels like?

It's a warm fluttering sensation in her stomach. She thinks of his soft laugh, remembering when she hears his soothing voice, everything will be better. The way his eyes crinkle at the corners and the way his mouth curves into a sweet smile, like a half moon. Twelve years, and she still feels butterflies every time she thinks of him, and anything about him.

She was too young to be in love back then, at fourteen years of age, her mother had told her. Homily and Pod met in their thirties, while Arrietty, who was then still not past her teenage years, was more curious and dubious about the feeling of love than they ever were.

Arrietty remembers asking her mother about it once, when she was quite young. Once they had left Shō's house behind, she had suddenly shown an interest in the feeling, although her parents could not begin to understand why.

_"Love?" Homily asks, curiously. She studies her daughter's face. The expression is sincere, yet she is skeptical about her reasons for asking in the first place. _

_"Yes. What does it feel like, Mother?" _

_Homily is puzzled. What does love feel like? She feels love for her husband, her daughter, and her race, but the wording of her feelings escapes her. _

_"I'm not entirely sure, Arrietty. Why do you ask, dear?" _

_Her daughter hangs her head slightly and shakes her head. _

_"No reason, Mother. I was just curious." _

_Arrietty tries asking her father as well. _

_ "Why would you want to know about love, Arrietty? You're still so young." He asks. _

_"I just would like to know the feeling of being in love. What it really is," she scratches the back of her neck, "since it has never happened to me before." _

_A little disbelieving, Pod thinks back to the time where he was in love. It was with Homily, of course, but now they shared a true love. It had been a very long time since he had felt those butterflies in his stomach for anyone, not since his teenage years. _

_"I think love is a difficult, layered thing, Arrietty." _

_"Layered, Papa?" _

_"Yes. Layered. It is not a simple thing, love." _

_Arrietty tilts her head to the side in thought. _

_"I suppose not." _

_"Love is not skin deep. You cannot love someone for their beauty or wealth alone. You must love them for who they are, for their heart." Pod says thoughtfully. _

_Arrietty begins to smile. _

_"Yes. For their heart." She leans over and kisses her father on the cheek, "Thank you, Papa." _

That was a very long time ago, when she was still young and unsure of her feelings and what they meant. She wasn't even sure if she knew what they meant now, at twenty-six years old. But the one thing she knew? She was no longer too young for love. She was ready to accept true love with open arms.

But that night she tosses and turns in her tiny bed. It's a little less comfortable than her old one, but she's gotten used to it (she's had twelve years to get used to it, in fact.) She misses her old house, nonetheless.

Or rather, she misses how close her old house was to Shō's.

She's thought about him every day since they separated. Even his last words – 'I'll never forget you, ever.' – linger in her mind when she can't sleep.

It's childish and naïve in some ways.

She's a Borrower, he's a Human Bean. They live in two completely different worlds – beans and borrowers are not meant to fall in love.

She doesn't even know if he feels the same way she does, after all these years. It's been over a decade, for Lord's sake. But he protected her, cared for her, and kept her safe, but maybe it was all in the name of friendship and it hadn't meant as much to him as it did to her. What if he had forgotten about her? Shō didn't seem to have wanted to break his promise to her, but when time passes, people change. Even if he had unintentionally forgotten, she would still just be a memory to him.

But her father had said 'love is layered. It is not skin deep.' She doesn't just love Shō for his looks, or his wealth, she loves every part of him, inside and out. She loves him for who he is, for his heart, as her father had told her, no matter how frail and weak it is.

She feels the little pattering of butterflies in her stomach, the ones she gets whenever she thinks about Shō. After all, she realizes if she's twelve years in, she's in a lot deeper than she might've initially thought. She wouldn't care even if he had forgotten about her. She'll love him to no end regardless, for what he did for her and how much he's changed her as a person, her view on life. She just happened to fall in love with him along the way.

So, this is love.


	2. I Believe In Magic

**COULD HAVE BEANS **

I Believe In Magic 

The next morning, her father goes out to borrow. Although his years are taking a toll on his body, and Arrietty is more than ready to take on the responsibility of borrowing for the family, he refuses. Pod's a family man – he'll put the life of his family far before his own, even if it means putting himself at risk of being eaten by the cat every time he goes out.

Since moving out of Shō's house, they travelled down the river and settled down underneath a large cottage on the outskirts of the city. They had only seen a few other borrowers in that decade – it made them realize how in dire need of a husband Arrietty was.

So her mother and father had taken it upon themselves to invite in any passing family with a young male borrower amongst them, in hopes that he and their daughter would show an interest in each other. It hadn't been successful, and Arrietty was certain it would never be, no matter how hard they tried.

In addition to that, her parents are now stricter than ever. After Homily's incident with Sadako, the housekeeper, and despite seeing Shō's best efforts to keep the Borrowers safe, Homily and Pod's trust in humans only diminished even more. Arrietty remembers in their first year since moving, they would rarely let their only daughter out of the house, in fear she would meet another human or be eaten by an animal. Over the years, they had loosened up as Arrietty had grown, but they were still severely worried they would (in other words, their daughter would) run off and be seen by a human.

When her father leaves to borrow, it's become usual for Homily to go with him instead of Arrietty. Her mother insists that as a growing young woman, Arrietty should learn her way around the kitchen to cook, sew and all the womanly things a good bride is expected to do, instead of 'running off borrowing like a man', in her mother's words. Whenever Arrietty mentions it's exactly what Homily is doing, she simply shakes it off.

"It's a different story, my time to be a bride has passed. Yours, Arrietty," she says, tweaking her daughter's nose affectionately, "is just beginning."

"Mother, I'm not a kid anymore…" Arrietty grumbles softly. Homily just chuckles to herself.

This particular morning, her mother and father set off far into town, to gather more borrowings for the upcoming cold winter season. It's more difficult to go out and borrow in cold weather – especially if it snows.

"Take care of yourself, Arrietty. Don't let anybody in." Pod reminds her sternly at the door.

"Unless he's handsome." Homily adds with a wink.

Pod shakes his head in dismay and set out, calling behind them, 'we'll be back soon!'

Arrietty sighs and closes the door. When her parents aren't around, she never does anything irresponsible, as she would be expected to. Instead, she cleans the house, cooks dinner, makes the beds, and does all her chores.

Today's chore is hanging up the new mirror, borrowed yesterday off the side of the street. It must have been from a Bean's jewelry piece, because it's small and round with a clasp attached to the top, looking as if it had fallen off a necklace of some sort. It's shiny and polished, and makes for clear reflections.

She waltzes around the house humming, with the mirror in her hands. She decides to hang it in her bedroom, right above her makeshift table made of matchboxes, littered with all sorts of borrowings- bits of metal, pegs, snapped off pencils, none that she can call rubbish or bear to throw out.

Arrietty takes a seat at her desk, running her fingers through her now long auburn hair, which runs almost all the way down her back. She pushes it all away from her face and uses a yellow peg to clip it in place.

The yellow clip is a replacement for the red one she gave a way many years ago to her beloved.

Sometimes she wonders if he still has it, or if he simply threw it away, along with his memories of her.

He told her he would never forget her. The Borrower Girl always hopes he kept his promise all these years.

What would Shō be doing right now?

She rests her elbow on the table and strokes the end of her long bushy ponytail, daydreaming. Would he be doing humanly things, like going to the market to buy food, or was he sleeping, eating or working? Or maybe something else.

She wonders what he looks like now. He must be handsome, oh yes. Even as a twelve year old boy, his good looks radiated through his young face. He would grow up to be a very handsome young man, with his raven, almost blue-black hair, dark brown eyes and bright smile. Any girl would fall for him.

She's always wondering these sorts of things about him. Sometimes, they take up too much of her time.

Wandering over to the window, she looks out to the bean house that they dwell beside. She's never seen the Beans in that house, but then again she hasn't seen a Bean in twelve years.

Hasn't it been long enough?

Without thinking, she sticks her pin into the belt of her red dress, and heads out the door, taking a human's one yen coin with her. Twelve years is much too long to wait for an adventure. But an adventure needs to have reason behind it too.

She's heard stories about the nearby Well that grants wishes. Arrietty doesn't believe in magic, but sometimes a little belief is what she needs. Her wish is clear, and false hope will come with it whether it happens or not. But right now she needs a bit of that too.

She always gets lost looking for the Well. The only other time she had been there was with Homily many years ago – she couldn't remember what either of them had wished for though. It was much too long ago, and much too insignificant for her to remember. She doesn't even remember whether or not it came true.

For reasons unbeknownst to her, the Well is Borrower size, but she can looks straight down it and only see a bottomless pit, where sunlight and stones and coins are lost forever. The Well is big enough for a human coin, but only a one yen. Peering down it, she calls 'hello', but the sound disappears quickly. She tosses a pebble down it, and she hears 'sploosh', 'sploosh' before it vanishes from view.

So standing at the Well, she closes her eyes, tosses the one yen coin in and after it, as quietly as she can, makes her wish.

"Shō. Please…please?"

There's no reply that follows her wish except the rustling in the trees. She sighs heavily, and prepares to leave when she realizes she's not alone at the well-side. She's been joined by an old Borrower lady wearing a magnificent blue cloak carrying a basket covered by a cloth.

"When you wish on shooting stars, or four leaf clovers, or wishbones, your wish might come true. This 'magic' well? It does nothing." She says.

Arrietty nods politely but doesn't say anything. The old woman smiles and lines crinkles under her eyes.

"Do you believe in magic, dear?"

"Magic?"

"Yes, magic. Witchcraft and sorcery, all that."

Arrietty frowns. Magic doesn't exist, she knows that, the well is just something that gives imaginary hope to women like this lady. She's off her rocker.

"No, I don't believe I do."

"Fate, destiny. It's all magic, you know."

"Perhaps," Arrietty considers, "perhaps not."

"Well, Arrietty. I think you're mistaken."

She tries to shake off the uneasy feeling that suddenly floods her body when she hears her name. She doesn't recall saying it out loud.

"But you know what dearie? Even if that well can't grant you your wish, I can."

Her entire mouth of teeth is yellow and chipped with age. Arrietty shifts uncomfortably. If there are any borrowers her parents should be afraid of, this witch would be one of them.

"No, thank you, Madam."

"But don't you want to _know _things, Arrietty?"

She shakes her head defiantly. The old lady stops and studies Arrietty's face.

"Not even about your life? _Your _future?" a sly grin hints at her mouth, "Not even _love?" _

Arrietty stiffens like a board. This woman is looking into the depths of her soul with those black as night eyes. Arrietty hasn't spoken, so she continues.

"I know about your human love, Arrietty, my dear. I know everything."

_Everything? _

"I know there is a way for you to be together, always."

There's a pregnant pause. The way this woman looks at her…she can't shake the goosebumps slowly creeping up her arms.

"How?" Arrietty asks softly.

The lady smiles.

"Do you ever find yourself wondering what he is doing? Where he is in life? What life would be like if you could be together?"

Arrietty is thinking it all the time, but she's not letting the old lady know that. So she simply clenches her jaw and stays silent.

"Do you ever worry maybe he has moved on? Maybe he has even…_forgotten you?" _

It is her biggest fear.

So slowly, she nods.

"I can change that. I can change everything, if you want me to."

The old borrower no longer seems harmless. She appears to be cunning, her face lined with traces of black magic. Arrietty notices for the first time how dirty her nails are and how withered her body looks. The skin on it has shriveled like a rose in winter.

But she can change things. She can change everything.

She and Shō can be together this way.

"How are you going to do that?"

"Ah. So are you interested?"

"I never said I was."

"But don't you want to see Shō again?"

Arrietty tenses again at his name. She swallows as quietly as she possibly can.

"I do…"

"I know where he is. He's not far from here actually; he lives in the city, only twenty minutes away from here by car."

"By car? I can't take a car."

The woman smirks.

"This is my deal, dearie."

She takes away the cloth on the basket and reveals an assortment of glass vials, bottling red, blue and green liquids. She handles the smallest one, containing a purple fluid, and it almost appears to sparkle.

"I will do this as a favor for you - the power to make you human."

Human? A borrower into a human?

"You drink this; you grow to five foot six. Then all you have to do is find your Prince Charming and you can live happily ever after."

Arrietty is not a genius, but she's not stupid either.

"It can't be that easy. There has to be something you want for this, or a reason why you're helping me."

The old lady sighs.

"I know the pain of lost love, dearie. It is one that no man, no matter who, should ever experience. It wrenches at your heart and doesn't let go."

She shakes her head and for a moment, Arrietty almost feels something like empathy.

"This is my…favor, to you – if you take this offer, you are human until your twenty-seventh birthday. You have a second chance at love; to meet your darling and he must reciprocate your love for him. You must share a true love - if it happens, you owe me nothing. If it does not…" the woman gives her a sly look that makes the hairs on Arrietty's neck stand on end, "you owe me one."

"One what?"

"Depending on what you believe is the equivalent of finding lost love. It might be one yen, one year of your life, one year of his life, whatever you would give up to find him."

Arrietty is silent.

"Oh come now, dearie. It's not as hard a payment as you might think. You know that, deep down inside of you, this is what you want. You're willing to risk everything for him."

As much as she hates to admit it, there was a moment sometime after she had separated from Shō that she had just felt…empty. It was like there was a void in her chest that she couldn't fill, not without him. She tried not to think about it, but the fact that she would never truly be happy with him throbbed in the back of her mind.

"Think of yourself for once, and your happiness. This _would_ make you happier, wouldn't it?" she says it more like a statement than a question.

It would. She would be happier with him.

"…but I can't. I can't just leave my parents on their own, it would break their hearts."

It's her in denial that she can't live without him.

"Would you rather break your own? Would you rather live a life without him? You may never see him again. And you still love him, don't you?"

It's no use. She nods.

"If things do happen to go in your favor, you owe me nothing. So what do you have to lose, Arrietty?"

The old lady brandishes the vial, dangling it in front of her face. Arrietty looks at it closely.

"This will make me human."

"Yes."

"I drink this, and I'll be able to find Shō."

"Yes."

"We can be together this way?"

"Yes, my dear."

Arrietty takes the potion in her hands.

"I don't trust you."

With a shake of her head, the lady closes her eyes, then smiles. She really, really doesn't like that smile.

"No matter; I'll leave this with you." She hands Arrietty the bottle, "I know you'll give in. I know it."

As she flourishes her cloak and covers the basket, she leans to Arrietty one last time with a sly grin she says, "I know everything, remember?"


	3. Spill

**COULD HAVE BEANS **

Spill

She's tried her best to stay firm, unmoved by the constant presence of the small, sparkling bottle sitting on her matchbox dressing table. It's difficult though, very difficult. It seems to be taunting her, its small shape catching her eye no matter where she turns, no matter how hard she tries to avoid it.

_Go on Arrietty. Just take a sip. What do you have to lose? _It's saying to her. She initially tries to swat her thoughts to the side, but it's no use.

A lot, she thinks to herself, she has a lot to lose. She'd lose her parents, she'd lose the world she knows, she'd lose the lifestyle she knows, she'd lose the Borrower friends she's made, albeit only a few; she'd lose Spiller most importantly.

He'd become a significant part of her life after the move. More like a brother figure than anything else, but now she can't imagine life without him. All those years, they'd grown up together, like a real family. It'd be selfish to think about becoming a human and leaving it all behind without thinking of him.

He lives nearby, in a tiny but cozy twig structure only ten minutes away on the other side of the bush. Several times Homily and Pod had tried to get him to move in with them, convince him it would be easier for all of them to survive if they stuck together, but as many times they had asked, he had refused (politely). It would be easier alone, he said, to cope if something bad happened to Arrietty or Pod or Homily. Better on his old soul to grieve on his own, if it ever did happen.

It had never made sense to Arrietty why he had said that so many years ago, and it still didn't make much sense now. Why he would think of such things, Arrietty never had the courage to ask him.

If she was to become a human, what would Spiller think, and what would he do, more importantly? His opinion mattered to her, almost as much as her parents' opinions, if she was ever to tell them in the first place.

She makes her way to his house quietly the next morning, without waking Homily and Pod. With two firm knocks and a slap of her hand on the door, it swings open. It's their secret code. People might knock twice, but nobody except Arrietty slaps her hand on the wooden door after that – with this, Spiller knows it's her.

"Spiller?"

There's no response. She tiptoes her way through the small house, careful not to knock over any of Spiller's elaborate borrowings. He's a lot better at it than she is; he's been doing it for a lot longer. He collects little trinkets, like she does, but his are worth more in value – a plastic pin she might've stolen from a human's study room wouldn't be Spiller's first choice, he'd try and find a metal one first. Maybe a human's bronze coin would be enough for Arrietty, but not for Spiller, he'd abandon bronze and go for a gold or silver instead. She accidently bumps her hip against an expensive looking human earring. It would've shattered to pieces if a heavy-eyed Spiller didn't come up behind her and catch it first.

"Careful."

Rubbing his eye, he replaces the earring on the table.

"Sorry, Spill."

"S'okay."

He gives her a sleepy half-smirk, and gives it a polish with the back of his sleeve.

"Pretty, is it?"

"Yes. It looks expensive."

"Not really. Lucky for Arrietty, only plastic."

"Ah. Very lucky."

"Yes. Very lucky."

Their conversations are short and sweet, but she doesn't mind. Spiller was never an educated Borrower; he hadn't learnt to speak properly until his early teens, he had never had a family or community to teach him the ways of language, speaking and communicating with people. As a result, even in his adult years, his speech is still broken and simple, like a child's. Maybe it is this fact that makes Spiller himself so endearing. There's just no wall for him to hide behind – he can't manipulate people, he can't lie to people, he just has to be himself and hope that they accept him for who he is. Arrietty does.

Spiller yawns and turns his head to the side, his wild black hair sprouting a shadow behind from the rising sun through the window, a lion's mane of a shape. Arrietty chuckles as he scratches his head.

"Too early for visit. Spiller was sleeping," he murmurs.

"I know, I know. I'm sorry."

Arrietty sighs and takes the yellow peg out of her hair, letting it fall loose to her sides. She runs a hand through it and sits on the stone stool at the table. Spiller sits opposite her, rubbing the sleep out of his eyes.

"Are you okay, Arrietty?"

"Yes…" she says hesitantly, then corrects herself, "I mean, no. Not really." She turns to see his eyebrows raised, and slumps onto the tabletop, "I don't know how I am."

"Problem? Arrietty have problem?"

"Yes. Kind of."

"What kind of problem?"

She props her head up on one elbow and stares out the window to the Beans' house on the other side of the bush. Some Bean is leaving the house, their steps rattling the porch floor. How heavy they must be, Arrietty thinks to herself, she can't imagine being that heavy—

"Arrietty? Problem?"

She shakes her head to clear her mind and her throat.

"We're both adults now, Spill."

"Yes. We are both getting old."

"That's not what I meant. I mean that we're both mature enough to talk about things we couldn't decide as teenagers."

"Like?"

"Uh, like, let's say, things in the future. Like families, and children, and jobs and what's going to happen to Borrowers and those sorts of hard things we didn't like talking about as kids. You know."

"Spiller doesn't understand you."

Arrietty sighs softly, turning her head to the side and resting her chin on the palm of her hand.

"What do you want to be doing in ten years time, tell me?"

"Ten years?"

"Yeah. Ten years in the future."

"Long time from now, Arrietty."

"Yeah, I know. Please just answer the question?"

"Okay. Ten years from now, Spiller will be thirty-seven. Spiller will have wife and two children, one boy and one girl. Spiller will have pet bug. Spiller will be happy."

Arrietty can't resist letting out an easy laugh. Spiller begins to smile.

"What is it? Is it funny?"

"No, Spill. It's a lovely future. I'm one hundred percent sure it will happen for you."

Spiller nods, satisfied, but his forehead creases in concern when he notices Arrietty has that faraway look in her eyes, the one she gets when she's sad, or thinking about something sad. He knows her well enough to know she's not okay.

"Arrietty okay?"

Arrietty lets out an uneven sigh.

This vision Spiller has for his future, a spouse, children, a pet, happiness? It won't happen for her in this world. It won't happen for her as Borrower, not the whole package. She can have a husband, she can have as many children as she wants, she can have a pet monkey for all she cares. But she's not going to be happy, _truly _happy, without that one human being who won't leave the corners of her mind.

He just occupies the entire void of her brain, and he won't leave. Trying to convince herself otherwise that she can be happy with someone else hasn't worked yet. Her head tells her yes, but her heart tells her no. And she knows which one is right.

Does that mean she has to give in to the witch's punishment too? An unknown 'one' that is to be owed if she doesn't win Shō's heart back after twelve years? Is that all really worth it?

No, her head says. Yes, her heart says.

"Hey, Spill."

"Yes?"

"What do you think of my future?"

"What do you mean?"

"Do you think I'll get married and have kids and have a pet bug like you will too?"

"Yes. I think you will." A smile begins to spread across his face, but is stops short when he sees she doesn't seem to be happy, "why? Doesn't Arrietty think she will have happy future?"

"I don't know. That's what I came to ask you, really."

"If you will have happy future with children and bug?"

She chuckles.

"Not exactly. I just don't know if I'll be happy married with children and a bug. But that's what my parents want."

"For you to have husband and children and bug?"

"Just the husband and children part. Maybe not the bug."

Spiller scratches his head and sighs.

"Why so confusing?"

"I don't know, Spill."

Spiller shakes his head.

"No, why Arrietty make it so confusing for Arrietty?"

"Wait...what?"

"If Arrietty want to be happy, Arrietty be happy. Doesn't matter if not with husband, and not with children and not with bug. As long as Arrietty is happy, does it matter who with?"

Arrietty's even more confused now, but she starts to smile when realizes what he's saying.

"_I _want Arrietty to be happy. If Arrietty want to marry a squirrel, it is okay. As long as Arrietty is happy."

She laughs out loud, but she's in the state where her emotions are so free she's not sure if she's supposed to be laughing for joy or crying.

"Thank you, Spill."

It's not exactly how she expects to hear it, but it's exactly what she needs to hear. And it makes her sad, because it means now she's going to have to leave him behind.

She goes over to Spiller and envelopes him in a big hug. She feels a moment of hesitation, then his arms encircling her tightly. He doesn't ask why she begins to cry, but he just holds her as the tears begin to spill. It's this feeling she's going to miss – being loved, being cared about.

She returns home, and her parents are already awake. Homily is making breakfast for Pod and they both turn to look up at her when she comes through the doorway.

"Darling, where'd you go so early?" her mother asks, setting a plate of cold food on the table for Arrietty. And like Spiller, she doesn't question when Arrietty, still sniffing, launches herself into her mother's arms. Homily automatically, sensitively, tightens the hold. Pod follows suit. They huddle together for the next few minutes, a cuddling, crying bunch.

The next few hours are like an inner war, the time slowing to a stop as she waits for her parents to leave and borrow. When they do, her mind immediately tells her she's going to regret this, it's all a big mistake. If she slips up once, it's all over; it's just the desire in her heart going delirious without love. But that delirious heart is pulling on its side too. It's trying to convince her she's not going to regret this; it'll all turn out right, because she believes in love. It might not sound like much, but love is a powerful thing, it will overcome everything, and her life will fall into place, love will prevail.

She doesn't know which side she should be fighting for. It just feels like her heart and her head are fighting her.

Arrietty sits on the floor of her room, knees up against her chest, and watching the purple vial placed upon her matchbox dresser. She doesn't watch it, it watches her. Moving across the room, it occurs to her how artful the Old Borrower must've been. She must've known, she must've known how desperate she was for him. It was clever, cunning. She knew she shouldn't have trusted that yellow-toothed smile.

But she knows which, of hearts and heads, is going to win in the end.

With a deep breath and closed eyes, she takes a sip.


	4. A Whole New World

**COULD HAVE BEANS**

A Whole New World

It feels almost like her innards have been doused in acids. A gnawing pain begins to grow in her stomach and it spreads quickly to her arms and legs, all around her body. Everything is stretching.

But her house isn't.

She takes a few bounding leaps, choking and coughing, to the front door as she expands length-ways and side-ways. She feels a cold hard pain in her head as it slams into the ground and collapses onto the grass in a hurting heap. Her eyes flutter open and she sees the size of the place. She's lying on the doorstep of the house she used to live under. It's not so huge anymore.

Although the ache in her body remains, it has grown remarkably. She stretches out her arms and legs to reveal that she really has become a five foot six, fully grown human girl.

Is this what human beans feel like all the time? They're so big and heavy and take up so much room; she never realized before how much they weighed.

She leans over to peer into the bush where her tiny Borrower house is. It's empty. Arrietty sits down, defeated on the grass.

Great. She's human, and she has no idea where to start looking for Shō. She only has a month before her twenty-seventh birthday, and the old woman is gone. She's been left alone, in a completely different world from the one she knows.

Although, from the tiny Borrower sanctuary she hadn't really left for twelve years, she'd forgotten how beautiful the human world was. A clear, cloudless blue sky that seems to stretch on and on for miles, the sweet smelling air and the brightly shining sun are all reminders of her first experience twelve years ago.

Shakily, Arrietty stands up on her new long legs, grass stains smeared all over them. She goes to wipe them off when she realizes the entire length of her legs is bare. When she grew, evidently her clothes did not.

She lets out a little shriek of horror, frozen to the spot for a few seconds before leaping behind the bush again. Panic floods her. She had never noticed how many human cottages were lined up on the street. And their placement ensures a perfect view of her bare body if she tries to leave her hiding place.

How to go about this? She mulls over the options, quickly and panicked. If she leaves the bush, there's no telling how many Beans will see her from the windows of their houses, and then where to? Into the house? No, there might be people living in there not expecting visitors. But she doesn't want her first experience as a human spent cowering out of sight. She can't waste time, she only has one month to find her love in this world. Either way, she'll need to find some new clothing and then the nearest town.

If only it was easier done than said.

Suddenly, Arrietty spots something in the corner of her eye. It's clothing, thank the heavens. But the numerous t-shirts, pants and undergarments are swinging from a strange metal contraption. They blow innocently in the wind; so accessible, yet so, _so _risky. Until she finds another option, this is the best one.

Crossing her fingers and peering around the bush to make sure there aren't any humans approaching, she takes a few deep breaths, a few leaps of faith and grabs a handful of fabric, praying to the spirits that whatever she's taken is wearable.

It is…to a certain extent; she's grabbed a huge human towel.

Groaning in frustration, she's about to run back and grab something else when she hears the hum of a car coming down the street. Ducking, she curses under her breath and grudgingly wraps the towel around her torso. It gives her some decency, at the very least. When she's sure the car is gone, she sighs with relief and tiptoes back over to the clothing, spins the contraption around in a circle until she notices a human's dress hanging on the rim. It's perfect; red and sleeved like her Borrower dress. With any luck, the humans of the house won't notice one item of clothing missing.

She reaches to unhook it when the front door of the house swings open.

Her stomach drops and she dives behind the bush just before the bean walks into sight. She stays hidden behind the branches, the only view of her through the leaves. She can't see her face of the Bean, but she can hear it softly humming to itself. In horror, she watches as the Bean removes every item of clothing from its place and drops them all into a basket at her feet. Arrietty curses silently when she realizes the Bean is going back into the house, and is probably not going to come out again.

Well a towel will be embarrassing, but at least she might be able to score some sympathy points with the local Beans if she concocts a brilliant story. Or she could just face utter humiliation in her first hour as a human.

She's not wearing shoes either, but it's no matter, she notices some lying on the porch of the house, closer to the bush than the clothes were. All she needs to do is borrow.

So she creeps over to the front of the house and snags a pair of black sneakers from the pile sitting so readily on the doorstep. There are so many pairs; the humans in the house probably won't miss one. They fit rather nicely.

But if she returns to the bush, she's probably going to need food and water. And some real clothes, she realizes – she can't go for one month wearing only a towel.

She could take her chances and knock on the door of the Beans. She could tell them she was a neighbor who had been locked out of her own house. She could be one of their long-lost family members looking for a bathtub. She could-

"Why are you wearing my brother's shoes?"

Arrietty turns around slowly. She's been pondering for so long that she doesn't realize there's a young boy standing behind her, his old teddy bear falling limp to his side. He's watching her with his mouth open. Human children are so much smaller from her new height. The boy doesn't even come up to her shoulders.

She stares down at her borrowings.

"I…I'm sorry. I don't have my own shoes."

The little boy takes in Arrietty's bushy auburn hair, makeshift towel dress and sneakers without socks. He turns his back to her and calls into the house.

"Mom, there's a strange lady on our front lawn!"

A tired looking middle aged lady, about the same age as Homily, opens the door and leans against the door frame with her apron on, holding the basket full of clothes. She looks Arrietty up and down, and her eyes flicker with recognition at the towel, but thankfully, she doesn't question it.

"Are you lost?"

Arrietty manages to nod her head slowly and mumble.

The mother seems friendly, but rather dubious of Arrietty's nature. She quickly runs a finger through her hair and folds her arms over the towel that's slipping off her skinny torso.

"I'm so sorry. I'll put them right where I found them…" Arrietty murmurs, rubbing her shoes together, looking down. The lady is puzzled.

"She took Takeo's shoes. She says she doesn't have her own."

Realization dawns on the lady. She seems surprised – maybe she was making an assumption. Either way, it doesn't matter to Arrietty.

"Do you know where you're headed?" she asks. Arrietty shrugs and bites her bottom lip.

"I don't really know. I've never been…to this part of town before."

"Are you headed into the city?"

"I think so. I mean – yes, I am." She corrects herself. The lady finally manages a tired smile – although Arrietty can't tell if it's forced or not.

"No matter about the sneakers. That boy hasn't worn them since he was thirteen. Come inside, you look exhausted."

Arrietty is ushered into the house, and the little boy doesn't take his eyes off her.

"You're pretty. How old are you?"

The mother scolds her son in disapproval.

"That's not very polite, Kazu. You never ask a lady her age. Apologize please."

He does, albeit reluctantly.

The mother pulls out a chair for Arrietty and she sits at the dining room table. It's like the one in her house, but much bigger and made of fancy human materials. Everything is polished and shiny.

"Cup of tea?"

Arrietty nods silently. Kazu takes a seat opposite her.

"What's your name?"

"Arrietty."

"What a pretty name!" the mother says cheerily over her shoulder.

"Where are you from?" Kazu asks.

"Somewhere far away."

"What are you doing in town?"

"Looking for someone."

"Who are you looking for?"

"You ask a lot of questions."

"Who are you looking for?"

Arrietty is soon tired out of answers for the little boy, but he hasn't lost interest in her. He asks her everything about her family, to her love life, to her childhood, all of which Arrietty has to lie about.

"That's enough, Kazu." The mother takes a seat next to Arrietty, setting down a cup of scalding hot tea in front of her. She ushers her son into the other room.

"So, Arrietty, are you honestly…lost?"

Arrietty nods – she is.

"Were you traveling up the road, or did you just happen to come in from the field lands?" the mother looks at her expectantly.

Arrietty doesn't know the world beyond the shrub she used to live under.

"I…don't remember."

"You don't remember…anything? Nothing at all?"

"No."

"Oh dear."

The mother puts her cup of tea down and pushes the hair out of her face, exhaling softly.

"So, you have no idea what you're doing here, where you're going, or where you're from?"

"Well, I'm looking for someone, in the city. That's all I know."

The mother stands up and takes Arrietty's empty cup to the sink and douses it with water. She's murmuring to herself.

"I suppose the road is no place for a young lady. If you have nowhere to go," she hesitates ever so slightly, "you can stay here for a few nights. We have no spare rooms, so you can share with Kazu," she catches herself quickly, "only if you want to, of course."

Arrietty thinks to herself. She has no place to stay, she doesn't know where to start looking for Shō, she's completely alone, and most importantly, she's human. She has no idea how to behave like a human. How do they greet each other, communicate with each other? Do they kiss and hug each other at first greeting? Do they shake hands, or not make contact at all? Do they have any different customs to Borrowers? Arrietty has no clue. Staying with a human family could help her find him. So she nods, and accepts.

That night, Kazu's mother, Rena, gives her a large tee shirt to sleep in. It smells unusual, like a human's overly sweet perfume, but at least she can take off the towel (and if she's lucky, slip it back in with the rest of the clothes). She also sets up the mattress for Arrietty to sleep on in Kazu's room.

It seems that Kazu is extremely happy to have a new roommate.

"How long are you staying with us for?"

He takes a flying jump off his bed, and to Arrietty's horror, lands on the mattress with chance of a near miss.

"I don't really know. Until I find my own place in the city somewhere, I guess."

Kazu pouts.

"You don't want to stay with us?"

"No, no. I do. It's just that I'm looking for someone very special to me, and they're in the city right now."

"Why in the city? I don't really like it there."

"Why not?"

"Because. It's so loud and all the old people talk on their phones and everyone's busy all the time. And it's never fun. Dad's always working so he never takes me to the crepe shop anymore," Kazu sighs unhappily, "sometimes Takeo takes me, but it's not the same."

"I think the city is a nice place," she turns to the little boy and smiles; "you can take me to the crepe shop instead."

His face brightens.

"Okay, Arrietty. I will."

Arrietty likes this idea, surprisingly, a little more than she should. It's surprising how happy it makes her. But she likes how happy he looks when she smiles, and she likes the happiness she feels when she can make him smile. She likes him. She likes this family too.

She likes being human.


	5. The Dew Is Still On The Roses

**COULD HAVE BEANS **

The Dew Is Still On The Roses 

The next day she realizes that a Bean's morning doesn't start too different to a Borrower's. They both make breakfast- today it's bacon and eggs - and sit down at their tables together, then they all then disband to do their own respective activities for the day. Rena takes Kazu to 'school', a place human children go to learn, and returns and stays at home with Arrietty. She still hasn't seen or heard from this mysterious big brother Takeo, or the busy father figure who never seems to be around.

Her new favourite human hobby, Arrietty finds, is gardening. She had always known that humans took good care of their gardens, but she's forgotten how nice they are in their true forms, large and all colours of the rainbow. The grass is greener, the sky is bluer, and everything seems as if it has sprung directly from memories of the past. Rena's roses are the cream of her crop. They're vibrant shades of red, pink and yellow, with every bud in bloom, even as the cold season approaches.

She can hardly believe the garden she lived in, the one her parents forbid her from exploring for years, could be so beautiful without her realizing.

Rena invites Arrietty to garden with her that morning after breakfast. They snip the grass, prune the roses then dust off their hands and have some human foods – tea and biscuits – for afternoon tea.

"Rena?"

"Mm?"

"Is my staying here…going to be a bother – an inconvenience – to you?" Arrietty folds her hands into her lap, "I'm only here to find someone. When I find him, I'll move somewhere else, into the city."

Rena sits still in her seat, but shakes her head slowly.

"It's not an inconvenience to us. I think it might be good for Kazu to have some company, especially since Takeo's never around anymore."

She sighs and takes another sip of her tea, looking out to nothing in particular.

"Rena?"

"Mm?"

"Who is Takeo? I hear so much about him, but he never seems to be home."

"Takeo's the older son. He's twenty-five now, living in America," a satisfied smile settles over the woman's face, "he's a clever one, that boy, but never wants to stay at home with his family."

An expression of disbelief passes briefly over Arrietty's face. She can't imagine living without Homily and Pod, although she's learning how hard it is now. Rena seems to notice.

"It's not that he doesn't like staying at home …it's not the home he doesn't want to come back to. But he's always been the adventurous type, that Takeo."

Arrietty had initially wondered why there was such a large gap between Takeo and Kazu, but hadn't managed to put it together before then. No wonder Takeo and his stepfather were never home at the same time. She keeps her thoughts to herself.

"He's coming back, you know. Sometime soon –"the woman sighs wistfully.

"—how about today?" a voice from behind interrupts them.

Arrietty and Rena both turn around in their chairs; a tall, lean young man leans against the doorframe with a large duffel bag slung over his shoulders. Rena's face lights up, suddenly years younger, and she runs over to him, holding her arms out. They hug as Arrietty studies Takeo's face. He doesn't strike her as particularly handsome, in fact, he's quite plain and ordinary looking. He has tawny golden brown hair like his half-brother, and brown eyes with square framed glasses perched upon his slim nose, but other than that, his face is expressionless and seems nonchalant at best.

He chats softly to his ecstatic mother for a minute then makes the effort to notice her, then he looks her up and down. His eyebrows flinch very slightly when they make eye contact (Arrietty can't tell if it's a good or bad thing), and again when he sees his sneakers sitting a little too large on her feet.

"Mother, who's this?" he releases himself from her embrace to go over to Arrietty and the chair from which she has not moved.

"Arrietty." She takes the liberty of introducing herself instead.

"Takeo." He holds his hand out to her. She doesn't move, suddenly defensive. He firmly sticks it out for a second time.

"I don't have germs, if that's what you're afraid of; I swear."

Arrietty hesitantly takes a hold of it. He pulls it right away and shakes it up and down. She snatches it back afterwards. It comes off distrustful, because Takeo narrows his eyes for a split second before turning back to Rena and smiling.

"I've missed you, Mom."

Rena squeezes her son's hand.

"I've missed you too, darling." She says affectionately.

The mother and son converse, leaving Arrietty to just listen in. From what she hears, Takeo studied law abroad for five years and this is the first time he's seen mother for that long. They've missed each other – but nothing compares to how much Arrietty misses Shō, after twelve years.

Soon school ends and Rena runs off to pick up Kazu, leaving Takeo with Arrietty alone. He plops down into the empty deck chair next to her.

"How long have you been here?" he asks rather offhandedly.

"Two days."

"Two days. Wow."

"What?"

"Why did my mom let you stay here in the first place? Last time I saw her she turned away just about every girl scout or charity person who came to the door."

Arrietty shrugs. She doesn't know what a girl scout is. Or a charity person.

"Are you lost or something?"

"I guess. I'm looking for someone."

Takeo smirks.

"And you got lost looking for the city? You can see the skyscrapers from our backyard."

Arrietty doesn't know what a skyscraper is either, but she refuses to give Takeo the upper hand.

"I've never been into town before. Rena was kind enough to lend me a spare mattress."

"You've never been to town?"

"No."

He smirks again, and releases a chortle that makes her shift uncomfortably in her seat. It seems as if Takeo is naturally judgmental and defensive, or he just doesn't like her. It makes her really uncomfortable.

The uncomfortable feeling stays with her even that night. She's never really had anyone _dislike _her before. Making bad impressions on humans hadn't worried her when she drank the contents of the vial, but it does now, for unknown reasons. Maybe it was because she hadn't been exposed to society much as a Borrower, and frankly, it was a little harsher than she thought it was going to be. It was a little bit like a slap in the face with a wet fish. She turns over on the mattress to see Kazu staring at her from his bed.

"Are you okay, Arrietty?"

"Yes, I'm fine."

Kazu's eyes are gentle, sweet, and his concern unmistakable. He clutches his teddy bear tighter to his chest.

"Are you sure?" he asks again. Arrietty exhales softly, turning over in her bed.

"I'm…just confused about something, okay? You don't need to worry, Kazu."

She hears Kazu sigh.

"Okay, I believe you, Arrietty. I just thought you were unhappy, that's all. I wouldn't want that."

She hears the blankets rustle on his bed as he curls up into a ball. Sleep doesn't come easy.

Arrietty has a dream that night. It's about Shō, and their reunion. She calls out his name; he turns to look at her with his stark brown eyes that soften at the sight of her. She runs into his arms and he welcomes her in his strong arms. He lifts her a few inches off the ground, swings her around and their lips meet when he stops. She melts into his arms, and he tastes sweet. He gently sets her down on the ground and presses his forehead to hers. He whispers to her words of love – _I missed you, I never stopped thinking about you. _

It's all she's ever wanted.

And then she wakes up.

It almost brings tears to her eyes. He was so close, but he now he's so far away.

The next morning, she's woken by the harsh sunlight streaming through her bedroom window. She looks up to see Takeo pulling the blinds open.

"Morning."

Her reply is muffled into the pillow as she pulls the blankets up higher over her head.

"I need to run some errands in the city today."

She opens one sleepy eye. The city?

Shō.

She sits up in bed.

"Can you take me with you?"

He raises his eyebrow in that disdainful manner again, but smirks.

"I was hoping you would, actually. It seems like Mom is okay letting you wear all my clothes, but I kind of need that t-shirt back." he says, pointing to the one she's wearing.

Jerking back, she's prepared to take it off almost immediately. No wonder it had smelled like perfume so strongly – Rena was probably trying to cover up her son's stench. Takeo starts laughing.

"Relax. Wear it for today, but give it back to me when we find you some of your own clothes."

She nods. Takeo grins, "Unless you'd prefer to go around wearing my towel instead."

She groans.

"Rena told you?"

"How could she not? It's the most exciting and bizarre thing that's happened in a long time. Pretty girl, shows up half-naked on our front lawn? Brilliant."

She rolls her eyes and Takeo slumps against the doorframe with his arms folded, the same smirk settling permanently onto his face whenever he's around her.

"Where are you from anyway?"

"I thought Rena would've told you that already. I'm not really sure."

"Are you sure about that?" Takeo asks, "You're strange. It's like you don't know anything about…anything. Like everything's completely new to you."

"Well, I wouldn't know." she defends herself weakly. Takeo shrugs.

"Unless you just came out of a coma, I'd think you were from a completely different world."

She tenses up at his last words and clears her throat, briskly changing the subject.

"Would you leave please? I'll come, I just need to get changed." She says firmly. Takeo nods.

"Okay then."

They stay there in silence for a few moments before a grin begins to spread on Takeo's face.

"So Arrietty, what colour towel would you like today?"

"Takeo—"

"You can't have the blue one though, it's wet."

He ducks out of the doorway, laughing as Arrietty flings the pillow at his head. She misses, but barely.

Honestly, she's nervous. There's a chance, albeit slim, that she'll run into the love of her life today, for the first time in what feels like forever.

She came here looking for Shō, she sacrificed nearly everything to be human with him. But she hasn't prepared herself for when they reunite. What would she say to him after twelve years? I missed you more than anything? I still love you to this day, to no end? Would he even reciprocate? The old witch had told her they would need to share a true love. True love, undying love for one another? If that is what it is, at this point, it's only one sided and that's not good enough.

"Hurry up!" she hears Takeo yell from the hallway, so she begrudgingly runs her fingers through her hair and smoothes out the creases in her t-shirt while pulling on a pair of Rena's pants that sit too loose on her hips.

She joins Takeo in the front yard. He's standing in front of a human vehicle, resembling a metal insect, which can only be what humans call 'a car'. She's heard stories from Spiller and her parents – cars are dangerous because humans are reckless, wild creatures, they manage to drive off bridges and crash into houses and all these things that end lives.

"Um, nice car."

"Thank you." Takeo says, and opens the door for her, she steps in and he follows suit, "put on your seatbelt."

She looks to the side, confused. She sees Takeo pulling what looks like a metal belt down over his torso, strapping him into his seat. He notices her blank expression.

"Oh, alright, let me help you."

He leans over, uncomfortably close to her, pulling the seatbelt down from her right side. She reflexively jerks back, and hits her head on the window.

"Ow."

"Serves you right. Geez, Arrietty, relax."

They take off down the road. The car moves jerkily and unevenly at first, but the path becomes smoother the further they get from the house. She tries to look as comfortable as possible although riding in a car is unlike anything she's ever experienced. It's nice though, not having to use her legs to walk everywhere.

"Hey, Arrietty."

She looks up to see that the car has stopped on the road. Takeo is looking at her with an expression that is almost concern.

"You kind of blanked out for a bit there. Are you okay?"

"Uh, yeah. I'm okay. Thanks."

Takeo simply nods and turns to face the road again, but the car doesn't move yet. It's lined up with three other rows of cars as humans walk in front of them on painted white lines on the road. It's all rather bizarre. She's wondering why they can so calmly pass in front of these giant humming human machines and not be afraid for their lives. She's not taking any chances on the road. Takeo has not taken his eyes off it.

"You have your own car, Arrietty?" he asks.

No, she should've replied, Borrowers don't drive.

"No, I don't have a car."

"Ah, you're one of those people who walk or take the bullet train everywhere?"

"Um, I walk everywhere," she answers truthfully, then adds, "I've never been on a bullet train."

Takeo turns to her, confused.

"Never? Wow."

Suddenly the car accelerates again and takes off down the road, startling her. Takeo begins to laugh.

"When you said you walk everywhere, you really do walk _everywhere_, don't you? You look scared out of your mind when that light turned green."

She has absolutely no clue what her driver is talking about, but she chuckles stiffly.

They're approaching what she can only assume is the centre of town. The chaotic storm of cars begins to thicken, and suddenly she can't hear the music on the radio over the sounds of the city.

Human cars make strange, strange noises. Once or twice, Takeo curses at the driver in front of him and slams the front of his wheel, and a bizarre sound erupts from his car, scaring both his passenger and the driver in front of them.

"Argh, Takeo, what is that? It sounds like a duck!" she says, cupping her hands over her ears as he does it a few more times as the cars build up in front of them.

"That guy is pissing me off."

"No, I know that, what is that noise? It's terrible!"

Takeo points at the wheel in disbelief, eyes wide, then begins to laugh.

"Oh, you mean this –"he presses it again, and the car squawks.

"Yes, that!"

"The car horn? If it pisses you off too, it's doing its job." he muses contentedly.

They surpass the driver, and finally, they arrive. The big wide world is suddenly so much bigger.


	6. Will It Be

**COULD HAVE BEANS**

Will It Be

The city is so big. Packed to its outer edges with tall grey buildings that almost touch the sky, the rainbow of cars littering the streets and roads, and the constant bustle of noise is almost overwhelming. It's mesmerizing all the same.

"It's so beautiful." Arrietty murmurs. She takes in the sounds, the sights, even the smell of the car exhaust, soft pattering of rain and smoke from the top of human buildings.

Takeo smirks at the Borrower's amazed expression.

"Don't get out much, do you?" he asks, bemused. Arrietty shakes her head slightly, pressing her hand up against the window to run her finger along the patterns the rain makes on the glass. They stop and park in front of a very large building with glass windows all along the front. The first thing she notices is that there a lot of people. All different shapes and sizes – large men, skinny teenagers, little women and tiny children, all with bags under their arms and umbrellas over their heads. Arrietty lets her mouth hang open at the sight of them all; Takeo smirks again.

"Never been to a shopping mall either?" he asks as they enter. She ignores him. His expression suddenly becomes begrudged as he spots something in the distance. Then he sighs.

"What?" Arrietty asks.

"Better get the worst done first," he mutters.

He pulls her over to a row of little shops, their insides wallpapered with lace and plastered with pictures of skinny, half-naked women posing rather suggestively. On the racks hang very tight, skimpy bound lengths of material, or rather, the top halves of them, and mini bottoms that are cut much, _much_ too short to cover what they're meant to. The entire shop is adorned with feminine styles and colors – red, pink, purple, black and lace, animal print, see through, none of which appeal to Arrietty.

Arrietty notices that her companion's face flushes red as he watches a pretty saleswomen hang more items on the rack. The store signs display an unfamiliar word. What's that they say?

"Lingerie?" she asks.

Takeo, not taking his eyes off the ground, nods stiffly. He pulls a few cash notes from his pocket and places them in her hand, sitting down quickly and looking down into his lap.

"Go. Pick something."

"From where?"

"Anywhere! Just go. I'll stay here."

Confused, she holds up one of the items, a striped strapped thing with two cups attached to it, so large she could wear them as hats.

"What am I supposed to do with this? Put things in it?"

"It's a bra. For under your clothes. You put it—"he gingerly gestures to her chest area and earns a few disapproving stares from passing customers. He quickly sits back down and his cheeks glow, turning from pink to red, not intending to finish his sentence.

She has to endure a very awkward twenty minutes in the store with Takeo, but they finally leave the lingerie store with a bag of new purchases, much to the relief of both Arrietty and her embarrassed, unresponsive male companion.

Then there's the issue of new clothing; she knows it's not practical in the slightest to wear a towel and Takeo's old t-shirts everywhere. Approaching a brand new line of shops, Arrietty senses it's going to be a long day.

Human clothing is appealing, but not entirely original. It's hard to find items that can't be found in at least ten other of its bordering stores, with most of their shirts cut too low and their skirts cut too high. Determined to spend as little time with this human hobby 'shopping' as possible, Arrietty just grabs a handful of items off every rack she passes in hopes that at least one in each hand is demure enough to wear out in public.

When she comes out of the dressing room in a cropped white shirt and red shorts cut much too high for her liking, she gets self conscious as runs back behind the curtain before Takeo can say anything, When she comes out in a long skirt and a baggy shirt, Takeo tells her in the nicest way possible that it looks like a potato sack on her skinny frame.

It takes two hours walking around, seventy-eight dollars and three stops to the bathroom, but they eventually leave the shopping mall, limp from all the walking, with one dress, 'lingerie', a jumper, new shoes and a hat for Arrietty.

"Alright, shopping, done." He breathes a sigh of relief. Thankfully, Takeo is not the only one done with it.

"Hungry?" he asks, leading her down one of the quieter city streets and they enter a little corner shop as the light rain continues to fall.

The word 'café' is painted and peeling on the window, and the tinkle of a bell above the door alerts the staff that there are new customers. A young woman wearing a white shirt and green apron gestures over to a corner table for them to sit, in the direct path of the weakening sunlight streaming through the window.

"So, Arrietty, what are you hungry for?" he asks, giving her a large sheet of paper, a 'menu', illustrated with brightly colored images of delicious frothy drinks and decadent pastries.

"Uh, do I pick something I want to eat?" she asks. Takeo gives her a look and nods as if it's the most obvious thing in the world.

"Yes, Arrietty, to eat." he says, as he calls over the woman wearing an apron and carrying a pen and pad; he calls her 'waitress', and Arrietty just sits stiffly in her seat. There's always a fine line for her to walk with Takeo, bordering on awkward and defensive between her and her male companion, but right now she's tipping towards the former.

"Can I get you anything?" the girl in the apron asks.

"Skim latte, no foam for me, and…Arrietty?" Takeo and the waitress turn to her expectantly. She skims down the menu, flustered by the attention. All she sees next to the food is numbers, numbers, numbers that she can't afford.

"Uh, well, do you have anything healthy, with no sugar that's free?" she asks hopefully, craving some of the healthy foods she's used to eating as a Borrower. But however delicious the food on the menu seems, it also seems sugary and unhealthy. The waitress looks at her pointedly.

"Water."

How humiliating. She wants to smack her own forehead then and there as Takeo stifles his laughter. Good going, Arrietty.

"I'll have water, then…" she replies. The waitress nods slowly and jots it down.

"So, one skim latte, no foam, and a…water. Right, I'll be right back then."

As the waitress walks away, Takeo turns to her, bewildered.

"What was that?"

"What do you mean?"

"Water…really?"

"I, um, like water."

Takeo rolls his eyes to the ceiling as his skim latte, no foam arrives.

"Skim latter, no foam—"she sets down the water hesitantly in front of Arrietty –"and your water. That's free of charge." She adds, giving her a condescending sort of smile. Arrietty weakly returns it.

From across the table, she can smell Takeo's seemingly delicious beverage. Takeo notices and holds it out to her.

"Never had one of these either? Have a sip."

Hesitantly, Arrietty does.

It's the right mix of sweet and tastelessness, but the texture is rich and creamy and suddenly makes her feel all the more alive.

"That is delicious."

"Isn't it?"

Arrietty doesn't even realize she's drinking his latte for the rest of the time, she's too distracted by the shapes the rain makes on the glass. The droplets race each other and pool on the sidewalk.

"Alright, Arrietty, wait here. I'll go pay, then I'm going to go take a bathroom break." Takeo gets up from his seat.

Human cafés are mostly peaceful, tranquil. There are some who take their time with their fruit tarts, reading books or the newspaper while they eat, but others rush in, grab their coffees and rush out before Arrietty can catch glimpses of their faces.

She watches the busier customers. One lady, wearing a tie coming in for a lunch break from work, runs in for a 'frappe' with extra cream, is in and out of the door in less than a minute. A teenage girl comes in, looking like she's come from a run, and orders an iced chocolate. A young man comes in, and orders a chai latte with foam.

Arrietty also notices that she can pretty much tell what the waitresses are thinking by their facial expressions when a person comes in. If a bigger person comes through the door and orders something with extra sugar, they'll raise their eyebrows in disdain. When a rude customer places their order, they'll roll their eyes as soon as their back is turned. On the other hand, when an attractive man comes through the door, they smile, flip their hair and tend to their order first. The chai latte man turns all on all their charms.

Arrietty smirks and shakes her head – humans. She looks down into the empty coffee cup, disappointed that it's all gone.

"And your chai latte with foam, sir." she overhears the waitress gush.

"Wait, wait, you forgot something…sugar cubes?"

Sugar cubes, being forgotten.

Twelve years ago, a lone, broken sugar cube sits in front of the storm drain.

_You forgot something. _

Startled, she looks up to see a head of blue-black hair leaving the café. She bolts up and out of her seat and runs out into the torrential rain. She ignores the yells of Takeo as he comes out of the bathroom.

This can't wait any longer. After twelve years, she's done her waiting.

She keeps her eye on the head of black hair bobbing up and down in the sea of people. The rain continues to drench her to the bone, but she keeps her head elevated, determined not to lose sight of him. The crowd of people just doesn't seem to diminish. She's jostled left and right, squeezed between people and pushed around, but she maintains her speed, quickening her pace as she reaches a clearing. It's around a finely built stone fountain, with the people sitting on the rim reading books and eating beginning to disappear as the rain builds. The rain adds to the ripples of water in the fountain as it begins to overflow.

For a moment she almost loses him. But, ever standing out of the crowd is that head of blue-black hair. She just catches his shoulder.

"Shō! I—"

He swivels around and a handsome man stares back at her.

Handsome, with the same sort of figure and the same unmistakable shade of black hair.

But not Shō.

He looks at her inquisitively, and she's ready to break down there and then. All the apprehension and the will-it-be's, won't-it-be's turn to disappointment and longing.

The man stares down the strange girl in a brand new dress plastered wet to her skin, then he turns away and leaves her.

All alone.

Crying softly, she sinks back to the edge of the fountain, sliding down to sit at its base as the overflowing water cascades over her head. Frankly she can't tell if it's real tears or just the rain. She cries and cries until her insides are dry and there are no tears left. Her heart aches with pain and longing. It tears her apart.

She only wants to see him one last time before she dies alone as a tiny insignificant thing at the bottom of Rena's rose garden. Just once is enough for her now.

"Arrietty?"

She looks up.

Standing in the rain holding a yellow umbrella, looking at her with those stark brown eyes that have haunted her dreams and nightmares for twelve years.

It's him.

Shō.

It takes a few moments to register. A different expression, but painted on the same familiar face she hasn't seen since she was fourteen years old.

It's him.

It's really him.

Before she knows it, she flies into his arms. She doesn't even know what she's overcome with, bliss, surprise or sheer happiness; she doesn't know, she doesn't care. When she pulls away, he doesn't even smile. It's not a mutual expression, the happiness; instead his face is painted with surprise and alarm.

"You're…human."

It worries her that the sound in his voice mimics fear.

"I came to find you—"she grasps her hand tightly and brings his fingers to her lips, as she did twelve years ago. He doesn't react.

And then—

"What's…going on?" it's a woman's voice.

Shō stiffens immediately, and takes a step back from Arrietty, a large one, almost a jump. She turns towards the origin of the voice; a pretty young lady, with long dark hair and brown eyes who's tightly bundling her brown coat and scarf around her slim torso.

There's something in the back of her mind with a suspicion to her identity, but her heart dreads to admit the answer in fear of a broken heart. Her heart quivers for a moment, then holds still in her chest.

"Arrietty, this is my wife."

And it breaks.


	7. Live Through This, You Won't Look Back

**COULD HAVE BEANS**

Live Through This And You Won't Look Back 

"Wife. Your wife."

"Kana." He says quietly, looking down.

Shō's wife gently winds the knitted scarf she's been fiddling with around Arrietty's. She wants to reach out a hand to stop her, but it doesn't seem to respond.

"I hope that's better. You're freezing." Kana says. Her voice is sweet, but genuinely so. It surprises her. Shō hasn't looked up to make eye contact yet.

"Are you an old friend of Shō's?" Kana asks, fastening the buttons of her coat. Arrietty manages to nod stiffly. His wife smiles, and the whole overcast city lights up, because she's absolutely beautiful. This makes her nervous.

"Kana, this is Arrietty. It's been…a very long time." Shō finally says, his voice sparking an emotion she can't identify.

"Arrietty? That's a very pretty name." Kana muses, "We've never met, have we?"

Arrietty shakes her head.

"No, I'm from somewhere, um, far away. Out of town."

"From the rural areas?"

"…I suppose."

"How long are you here for?"

"A month. My twenty-seventh birthday,"

"You should celebrate with us, that's also a very special day for us, isn't it?" she turns to Shō for a second, and gives him a glowing smile. He tries his best to return in, but it fades as soon as she turns away. The numbness that had been crawling on the surface of her skin from the rain has bled through to freeze her insides.

"In fact, are you busy now? You could come over for a spot of tea."

"Tea?" she asks, slowly. Tea, with the love of her life and his wife? It doesn't seem like a good idea, not at all.

"Biscuits, fruit parfait, dinner, whatever you feel like."

"Uh—"

"It really would be nice. I've never really met any of Shō's old friends."

"I guess he's never talked about me before."

Kana looks uncomfortable for a moment.

"Well, is this a good time for us to get to know each other?" she gives her a genuine smile.

There are so many things that don't make sense to her between Shō and his wife. But there's one thing that does—she can't stand seeing them together; it's heartbreaking and it hurts. But Kana? She's so sincere and sweet and it makes everything so much harder. So reluctantly, Arrietty nods slowly.

_What have you gotten yourself into, Arrietty? _

They get in a taxi, and the pattering of rain turns to a downpour. It's loud, and it's good; it drowns out her thoughts so her mindset is blank when she arrives at the doorstep of Shō and Kana's apartment complex, but she's not expecting to hear children's voices when they're walking up the stairs. Panic floods Arrietty's veins. Do they have a child? Do they have two? The possibility scares her. If they do have a family, there's nothing else she can do. She'll have to lose him, for the family's sake.

Kana unlocks the door to number 469 – and no children. Just a clean, quaint apartment loft; two couches, a floor lamp, a coffee table and television set.

"Please, have a seat. I'll get the tea." Kana says, and disappears into the kitchen, leaving Arrietty with Shō on the couches. They don't speak for a good while. Shō just sits stiffly in his seat opposite her, still and avoiding her lingering gaze.

Arrietty studies the walls – on them paintings and pictures, many pictures. Pictures of young Shō, young Kana, teenage Shō, teenage Kana. Together, with their families, with their friends. Even in youth he was handsome, and she was just absolutely beautiful. As a young child, she had twinkling eyes, clear skin and a bright smile, all of which modestly evolved as a teenager, and prominently as a young adult. And there on the coffee table, a photo of the couple on their wedding day. And they both look so, _so _happy.

Shō notices her wandering eyes. He plays with his wedding band, twisting it around his ring finger, and Arrietty manages to glimpse the 'K' carved into the back. Her heart sinks.

"How long has it been?" she asks finally, picking up the frame and studying the picture. Kana looks like a goddess in her white wedding dress; it emits a heavenly glow that exemplifies how alike she looks to an angel from above. A heavenly being who married her prince.

"The marriage?"

"Yes."

"Three years," he says, averting her gaze.

So it seems, he hasn't thought of her for three years. It breaks her heart, if it could be broken any more.

Kana comes back with the tea on a tray and a smile on her face. She sets the tray down on the coffee table and takes a seat next to Shō on the couch. She doesn't speak straightaway; she just sips at her tea. Then she clears her throat.

"So what are you doing in town, Arrietty?"

"Well…" her eyes dart to Shō for a second and dart back when she sees he's not making eye contact, "I have some unfinished business here, I guess you could call it."

"Oh, I completely understand. Whenever my parents come to town there's always a bit of tension between us."

"Is that so?"

"Unfortunately, yes. It's terribly complicated so I won't go into it, but I guess they didn't really approve of my lifestyle choices."

Shō's face remains unchanged, looking constantly down into his lap. Arrietty clears her throat.

"Um, so, Kana, what do you do?"

"I'm a primary school teacher, but I sell paintings and artwork on the side too. My parents didn't really like that," she leans over to Shō, smiling affectionately, "they would've rather me become a lawyer or a doctor, like this one."

Arrietty raised her eyebrows, impressed.

"I'm still at university doing my doctorate. And I'm starting my internship in a few weeks at the hospital."

Doctorate, hospital, university – she pretends these words mean something to her. Borrowers don't use them.

"How did you two meet?" Arrietty asks briskly, breaking the momentary silence that enters the room.

"Second year of high school, actually. We started dating third year, and got married three years ago. We're set to renew vows in a month, and then we're going on holiday. I think it's a welcome break from all the working Shō's been doing lately," Kana says, looking to her husband for confirmation. Shō nods, the ghost of a smile playing on his iron expression.

Arrietty chews on the inside of her mouth – the love story of her true love, in which she doesn't play a part in, is hard to hear – but she puts on a passive face.

She counts up the years. Shō is twenty-five now, in the second year of high school he would have been seventeen. That's eight years – eight years since Kana became a part of his life and filled his heart. About the same time she's been pushed to the corners, to the outside of his mind.

So eight of those twelve years yearning did no good. No good at all.

"So…eight years. You've been together eight years." She says, emotionless, looking directly at Shō. Kana just smiles and nods, but Shō refuses to take his eyes off the empty tea cup in his hands.

An uneasy tension begins to flood the area.

"Are you planning to start a family soon?"

It's a blunt question, and cuts the tension in the room - she knows it. But it catches them both off guard. Shō's hands twitch and Kana's clear skin reddens.

"I mean, sorry. I just heard children in the building and –" she begins, but Kana cuts her off rather briskly.

"—it's fine, they belong to our neighbors upstairs. It's been discussed," Kana manages, "but we're both a little too…busy right now. I think we'd like to, of course."

Something has set them off, both of them. Shō is no longer still, and Kana is no longer calm. She seems a little flustered; her perfect face marred with the smallest of imperfections – a twitch of her mouth, her tongue escapes to lick her lips and her air suddenly becomes subtly guarded.

She jumps up from the couch.

"More biscuits?" she asks, the rhetorical question hanging in the air after she leaves. Arrietty turns to Shō.

"What are you doing as a human?"

This time it's her who's caught off guard.

"Why did you come to find me now? It's been twelve years." Shō asks, the first time he's spoken to her since Kana was introduced.

How can she tell him she's been thinking of him all day, every day up until now, when he's happy, successful with a beautiful home and a more beautiful wife who he wants to start a family with? It wouldn't just be wrong, it would be immoral, going against everything she believes in. For someone who loves her family, more than anything in the world, to take someone else's family from them would be disgraceful, a sin. She doesn't need this situation to be any worse than it already is.

But she loves him, she wants him. She has for twelve years. And she can do something about it.

Will she? Should she, is the question.

"Arrietty?"

She's startled by his voice.

"Yes?"

"Twelve years. I don't understand, why now?"

"I don't know why things happen, they just do. All I wanted was to find you."

"And do what?"

_Tell you I love you. Tell you I think about you all the time. Tell you I can't stop thinking about what could have been. Tell you I miss you._

"I don't know, okay? I can't tell you anymore. It was too long ago."

She's in denial because she can't tell him all these things she's been feeling. And it makes her feel helpless and empty.

"We're not kids anymore, Arrietty. It's called growing up. Childish secrets don't define you or me. But carrying them through to adulthood? That does."

The silence that Arrietty has become accustomed to in the apartment settles again. A large room, so quiet.

"Were you happy with your life before I came back into it?" she asks, her voice barely above a whisper.

"Honestly, yes."

"So does this make you hate me?" she asks. Angry tears, sad tears, resentful tears pool in her eyes. She doesn't even notice when they begin to leak. Shō sits back in his seat and rubs his temples slowly, but he sits up again.

"No. Never." He lets out a heavy sigh, "But it makes me confused, and conflicted, and now everything is complicated."

Neither of them continues when Kana returns. The three of them sit in an uneasy silence, not sure what to do or say. Arrietty finally stands up briskly, not making eye contact with either of them.

"It's getting late, I'd better leave."

"Let me walk you out, you should take an umbrella with you just in case," Kana begins, but the last thing Arrietty wants is to be left alone with her.

"No, that's not necessary, thank you." She turns to Shō, and their eyes meet.

And suddenly she's fourteen again, the feeling of immense love she has for this boy, whether he's twelve or twenty-five years old, rushes back; it fills her heart and soul. It never ever left her, it never will.

Yet the only thing she can say to him, twelve years later, maybe the last thing she will ever say to him, is—

"Goodbye, Shō."

Once the door closes behind her, she runs until her legs give way, and she begins to cry again, like the little girl she once was, hurt by the big bad world.

That's it.

Her expectation, her hopes for their reunion to be romantic and blissful; crushed like it meant nothing. Shō didn't love her, maybe he never had. He had been with another woman for eight years—he hadn't thought about her for eight years.

That was a long time, and it hurt to acknowledge. Her one true love, who she had longed for, night in, night out, had moved on from her long before she ever would him.

She stumbles through the streets, struggling to see past the tears in her eyes. She doesn't know where the hell she's going, but she doesn't even care anymore. There isn't a point to continuing onwards.

She approaches the bridge to cross to the other side of town. Looking across over the blue, she thinks to herself; how easy it would be, almost amusingly easy, to stop feeling how she does, right then and there. Back home, Mother had always told her not to go climbing the vines or standing on the windowsill and roofs of human houses in fear she would fall. The tragedy of a fall would bring sorrow and grief to her family. But she would rather have everything come to a stop, right in this moment, than carry on the rest of her life in a world with her one true love, knowing she isn't his. Twelve years of her life lost to a boy who never even loved her back.

Arrietty had never been one to despise life. She'd never, not once in her Borrower life, however boring it was, however little purpose she served in it, had considered ending it herself. Of course there were times where she thought it too miserably boring and bland, but it hadn't yet reached the point of ultimate depression that made life impossible to continue. But now, knowing how much internal suffering she had to bear, all wasted, it's enough to push her over the edge – figuratively, and literally.

She approaches the edge of the bridge, wondering what colour the water will be tinted if her blood is spilt there. Red, like the colour of her dress; may she lie there, camouflaged, never to be seen or heard from again. Frankly, that life sounds more peaceful than this. She seats herself down on the edge of the bridge. The wind blowing through her hair, the serene view of an unsuspecting world, thoughts of Shō, it all comes back to the memories of her past, when she was happy, content. It reminds her of being a Borrower again.

Suddenly she misses it. She misses being small, no matter how hard it is to live, moving from place to place. She misses how attachments never seemed to linger – a new place always meant a new start, and that was comforting. She misses how wild and free she could run, and how the adrenaline pumped through her veins at the constant risk of danger. On the edge of the bridge, nostalgia hits her, and she realizes that she took it all for granted – she misses her old life. She misses being a Borrower.

If only she could've spent her last moments as one. She doesn't realize when she tips forward and begins to fall. When she does, she's midair, and it's a beautiful feeling. She freefalls and all her emotions leave her, her mind is empty, a blank.

Except for one raven haired boy in the void of her thoughts, who she knew, despite everything, she could never stop loving.

She'll never be able to give up, and she'll never be able to stop feeling the way she does.

But it was too little, too late.

The world stops, and its all darkness from here.


	8. Castaway

**COULD HAVE BEANS**

Castaway 

And then it starts again, it's all bright lights and frantic voices and unfamiliar sounds and pain in her arms and legs and a heaviness in her head she can't get rid of. She tries to sit up, but the relentless pain in her whole body prevents her from doing so. So she opens her eyes and she's lying face up in a white room, with its white sheets, wearing a white shirt and her skin is white as snow. She's cold too, very cold.

Why is she so cold?

Then it all comes flooding back – the day out in town, all the new sights, the café, forgotten sugar cubes, yellow umbrellas, long lost feelings, new people, the bridge and the jump.

Shō.

And she wants to fall back into the black state of nothingness she was in before.

A middle aged man dressed in green wearing a white coat comes in with a clipboard. He smiles.

"Hello, Arrietty, how are you feeling?"

She's still in a state of pain and shock and grief so she blinks a few time to make sure she's alive and herself.

"Everything hurts."

The man chuckles.

"You took a very hard fall off that bridge, a nasty slip. The impact of the water left a few painful marks. I'd say you're impossibly lucky to be alive that fall."

She wishes she wasn't.

"You escaped with ten stitches to your head because you hit something in the water, a rock perhaps, and you sustained bruises on your head, back, thighs and arms from the water's impact, and surprisingly, that is all - no broken bones, no cracked vertebrae, nothing. Again, very lucky, Miss Arrietty, very, _very_ lucky."

"How did I get here?" she asks dazedly.

"Your grandmother, she covered all the finances, don't worry. Good thing she was walking past when she saw you on the bridge, or else you mightn't be alive right now."

Something chills her to the bone.

"My grandmother?"

He smiles, unassuming. "I'll send her in; she's waiting in the foyer."

He leaves the room, and Arrietty barely has time to come to a realization when a familiar figure walks in, human.

"You know, I was hoping I wouldn't have to come see you, Arrietty, but evidently you are more foolish than I thought." The Borrower witch says curtly as she enters the room, eyeing her with those same yellow pupils that scared the living daylights out of her before.

"What the hell are you doing here?" Arrietty pulls the blankets higher over her, creating a barrier, albeit useless, between herself and the witch.

"That is no gratitude for the woman who slowed your fall and saved you from certain death."

"Get out!"

"I thought we understood each other, Arrietty. I am granting you a favor, in return I expect you to honor my generosity." She states firmly, standing at the foot of the bed. Arrietty shuffles back until her head makes contact with the cold metal headboard.

"Well, I no longer want to be human. Extend your favor and turn my back if you care so much about me."

The Borrower witch stares at the girl before letting out a large guffaw.

"You are so naïve, Arrietty. You may look twenty-six but you're still a little girl. If you think you can bargain with me, you're very much mistaken." Her expression becomes cold, "we made a non-negotiable deal, and if you're trying to negotiate, you're either very brave, or very, _very _stupid." She snarls. "This is what you wanted, isn't it? Only a few days ago. What could've happened in that time to make you act this way?" her voice is like syrup, "you wanted this, _him¸ _more than anything in the world."

Arrietty stays quiet.

"Unless he has another…" the witch eyes her and sees her conclusion is right. Smiling wildly, she walks over to where Arrietty has shuffled all the way back, placing a cold hand on hers.

"What is her name, child? I can bestow the most tragedy on her, at your command."

"No, no. I don't want you to do that. I don't want you to do anything. There is no reason any harm should come to her."

"But she took your love from you. The one thing you ever wanted, dearie."

"Eight years have passed since then – I was too late. You won't hurt her."

The witch smirks.

"You had a good fight in you, Arrietty, but why are you allowing someone so insignificant to stand between you and true love, when I can eradicate her for you?"

"No."

"What happened to your fire, Arrietty? It no longer burns bright," she moves to touch her cheek but Arrietty slaps her hand away. The witch shakes her head disapprovingly.

"Do you no longer love him?" she asks.

"He no longer loves me."

"If you gave up so quickly, how would you know?"

"Now he has…her. He doesn't need me."

"He might've loved you; he might've needed you, years ago."

"Is that enough?"

"Perhaps."

"I don't know if he did love me, all those years ago," she hesitates and looks up at the witch, realization building, "but _you_ do."

"Didn't I tell you, my dear, I know everything."

"Then _you_ know," she says hesitantly, "_you_ know if he loved me or not."

"Perhaps I do."

"But you won't tell me."

"No. That is what you must discover yourself, Arrietty."

"Tell me," Arrietty says softly, "what else do you know?"

"I cannot tell you much – the road to true love is a long, self-fulfilling journey, but only if you live through it. I will be able to help you on that journey," she smiles enigmatically, "I have the power to eliminate Kana."

"I can't do that. Not to Shō; no matter how much I want him. He's happy with her, I wouldn't understand if he wasn't," she begins to feel more and more helpless, lifeless, "she's beautiful and smart and kind and I can't compete with that. I have no right to ruin their marriage. The last thing I want to do is devastate him."

The Borrower Witch just gives her a sickly sweet smile.

"Dear, nothing in this world is forced. Nothing is fair, and nothing is set in stone. Not everyone can have happiness. He's already been granted happiness – now, it is your turn, Arrietty," she says, leaning in close, "you always put others first. It's time for the world to give back."

Arrietty's expression remains unchanged.

"Why don't we make another deal?" the witch offers. Arrietty firmly shakes her head.

"No. I did this before; I'm not doing it again. I told you, I don't trust you, not one bit."

"You don't have to trust me; you need to trust in your own commitment to true love. If you waited twelve years for him, this should be nothing."

Arrietty looks up warily. She's in denial, and she knows it. Yet, her heart strings are being plucked like a harp by the player who knotted them, twisted them, and ripped them to shreds.

Because she believes in true love; she really, really does. She wants to believe her love, however faint, is strong enough to survive the time she's been apart.

"What do you mean?" she asks carefully. She's made the mistake of dealing carelessly with the Borrower Witch before, she refuses to make it again.

"Kana and Shō are set to renew their vows in a month, conveniently settling on the day of your 27th birthday, is this true?"

"You tell me."

"Very sharp, Arrietty. Indeed, they are, so shall I say, if you manage to win his heart before then, Kana will leave Shō, with no memory of their love or the time they spent together."

"What?" Arrietty yelps in disbelief, "you mean, you'll erase her memory?"

"Again, perhaps. I am a witch, Arrietty, I can do many things," she gives her a wry smile, "regardless of my methods, Kana will exit Shō's life, happy and free of any potentially brokenhearted memories she shares with him. She can start over, maybe find new love, and settle down with somebody else. And you, Arrietty, can spend the rest of your life with your one true love."

Arrietty tries to disinterest herself from such a thing. Becoming a Bean is one thing, erasing memories is another. No person, bean or borrower, would think it right. Shō and Kana, however painful it is for Arrietty, had their own memories, not concerning her that she's not willing to touch with a ten foot pole. Those are personal, and she has enough dignity and respect for them not to meddle in that aspect of their lives.

On the other hand, the only reason she's doing this is him. The only reason she's doing anything is him. She's waited too long, she's spent too many nights longing to be with him. Too many years of yearning, too many sleepless nights. Too much she wants, too much she expects, too much love for him.

Too much to just walk away and end it all here.


	9. Lessons To Be Learned

**COULD HAVE BEANS **

Lessons To Be Learned 

At midnight on Friday, a girl is transported to the door of her cottage by a witch. The girl feels empty on the inside, knowing what she's just done, and she's bracing herself for the flurry of questions to be the thrown at her when the scattering of bruises on her body and the stitches on her face become visible.

She knocks on the door twice, hesitantly. It swings open.

"Arrietty!"

A small pair of arms encircles her thighs and she leans down to hug the nine year old back.

"We were all really worried about you, Arrietty." Kazu says, his words muffled into the material of her dress. Rena and Takeo join them at the door; the former looking relieved, the latter looking anything but.

"Thank goodness Arrietty, we've been worried sick." Rena says.

Takeo's iron steel expression doesn't waver. As soon as Rena goes to tuck Kazu into bed, Takeo pulls her into the silence of the kitchen.

"Where the hell were you, Arrietty? You were there one minute, and then I don't see you for three days," he whispers furiously.

"Three days?" her heart jumps up in her throat. Three whole days unconscious, which means she's lost three days as a Bean. She tries not to show the panic in her face.

"Yeah, three days, you don't know how much I copped for being the last person to see, and also the last one responsible for, a girl who goes missing for three days."

"I'm sorry, Takeo."

Arrietty tries to avoid his angry glare. It's hard. His eyes bore holes through her skull.

"Why did you run out of the coffee shop that afternoon? You see something, or hear something?"

"Yeah. I saw someone."

"Who?"

Arrietty hesitates.

"The person I came here to find. I saw him leaving the coffee shop, and I chased after him."

"For_ three days_ without contacting us or coming back or anything?"

"It's kind of a long story."

Takeo exhales sharply and rubs his temples, dropping into a chair at the table.

"Sit," he tells her; she obliges. He leans in close, "look, Arrietty," he lowers his voice to a hushed whisper, "I sense there's something you're not telling me here. Either that or you're not willing to tell me. But you're staying here with me, and my family; I think it's only fair that you should let us into a bit of your life, since we're letting you into every part of ours."

Arrietty steels her resolve and clenches her jaw.

"It's not that easy, Takeo. There are some things I'm not telling you, and never will."

"Arrietty—"

"I'm sorry, I'm grateful that you have me here, and you being generous putting a roof over my head and everything, but it's really, really complicated."

Takeo's jaw clenches, but he doesn't move.

"I'm not moving from this table until you tell me where you were in the last three days, and neither are you."

Arrietty groans, "I can't."

"And why not? Did you go and meet somebody? Was it at their home or at another place, or out in the city?"

"Takeo—"

"You don't have to tell me any explicit details, but if you were on a date, or on some weird romantic outing for three days, all you have to do is say so."

"_I don't know, okay? _I just woke up in this place with a lot of lights and I was in a bed and everything hurt."

Takeo blinks.

"The hospital?"

The glare melts away and his expression changes to something like denial.

"And you're not going to tell me why?"

"I can't."

"You have to, if this is a serious thing—"

"It's not. I just had some head injury and bruises and stuff, it's fine—"

"No, Arrietty, it's not fine! What could have happened that's given you head damage and bruises so bad you needed to be hospitalized?"

Takeo studies her all over, running his cold, slender fingers over the length of her exposed arms and legs. She feels a dull pain all over, but the blue and black areas that cover her skin like an irregular patchwork, are seemingly more serious that she makes them out to be.

"Arrietty, are those stitches?" Takeo asks, his voice panicked as he comes close to her face. She hastily pushes her sleeves back down over the bruises he examined and lets her hair fall over the white marks the men at the hospital left on her forehead.

"It doesn't matter, I'm fine now."

"If disappearing to hospitals for days is going to become regular, you have to tell my mother. You owe that to her, at least. You will, or I will," he exhales softly, "I know there's something about you that I can't place, I know it. It's the reason why you keep so many secrets, and you don't tell us everything, you keep your walls up around everyone until you're alone. You don't have to tell Rena, but you have to at least tell me."

"You're making assumptions. "

"As a matter of fact, you'd do right by me to validate them."

"Please. try and understand."

"You're not telling me _anything! _How am I supposed to understand?"

He shakes his heads and stands up out of his seat.

"You know what, fine. I'll find out for myself. And you're coming with me."

"What – no!"

But Takeo's already pulled her by the wrist into the car with the ridiculous horn and before she knows it they're both on the way back to the hospital.

"Listen, Takeo—"

"Gave you a chance to explain, you didn't take it."

"You can't—"

"—yes I can. I'll be damned if I let you tell me what to do, Arrietty."

He rips down the road, impossibly making it all the way to the hospital without being caught speeding a hundred miles an hour, although he does curse a lot and there's a lot of yelling and arguing on the way there. He's out of the car and stands menacingly outside the hospital's glass door. The people inside give them anxious glances.

"I'm giving you this chance, Arrietty. I'll go in and ask the doctors what happened, if you won't let me," he threatens, pointing his keys at the doors.

She stands her ground. And surprisingly, Takeo storm inside and speaks with the woman at the front desk. They talk, and soon after, he turns and looks at her long and hard. Then he returns to her silently.

"Tell me why?" he asks, but a little helplessly. He must know there's a boundary.

She folds her arms limply over her torso, the midnight wind chilling her. She drops down onto the curb outside the doors. Takeo doesn't move, but something like the fire in him has died out. He reluctantly settles himself next to her.

"I needed it to stop for a while."

"What?"

"Just everything. When you feel like the world is moving but you're not. And you just wish your existence away."

Takeo remains quiet.

Yet, for the next few hours, he doesn't make a motion to return home. He doesn't break the settled silence, he doesn't do anything at all. Instead, he leaves her be with her thoughts.

It's just what she needs in that time.

By the time she tugs his arm gently and murmurs that she needs a night's rest, he's decided to oblige with her wishes. This silent affirmation is all she really wants.

They pull up in the cottage driveway at 3AM in the morning, and the house is already dead quiet. Arrietty inclines her head slightly.

"Goodnight, Takeo."

"Goodnight."

She folds her coat over her arm and opens the door to her room, but Takeo stops her.

"Arrietty…"

He touches her bare arm and his icy fingers send cold shivers across her body.

"Yes?"

"I'm really glad you're alive."

She smiles back, a little sadly. But it's a smile all the same.

She can't help but be a little sad, really. A bittersweet few days it's been – full of regrets and realizations. Mostly her thoughts are of borrowers. What could have happened if she had stayed ten inches tall, what she wouldn't have to worry about, how she'd still be taking it all for granted – the tiny house, the matchbox frame bed, her neighboring best friend only a walk away.

She sacrificed it all.

Yet for some reason, she thinks, she has every right to feel content about doing such a thing. Arrietty, borrower, house-ridden for the worst part of twelve years, took a chance on herself for the first time in a long time. In her Bean-sized bed, in the Bean-sized cottage, it's all part of the life she lives now. Perhaps she's done enough dwelling in the past for a lifetime. The fall should've taught her that.

It's all her own choices. Maybe it was her parents, Spiller, the Beans she's met, who taught her that – life is about choices.

Life itself is a choice; that she taught herself.


	10. Material

**COULD HAVE BEANS**

Material

"Arrietty?"

Arrietty looks up dazedly from her morning's breakfast, Rena gives her a tired smile.

"You alright, dear?"

She nods slowly.

"Yeah. Just a little out of it, I guess." She murmurs, resting her head on a propped up arm.

"Well, I was wondering if you'd mind doing some errands for me around town this afternoon I mean, I'm a little busy and Kazu's taken quite a liking to you…" Rena says as she washes the dishes.

"Sure, what do you need?"

"Just take him to the arts and crafts store at the mall, he needs a few things for school. Is that okay?"

It's more than okay. Since the three days passed without being in the company of the family, she needs something to take her mind off the guilt.

As soon as Kazu is passed ont to her, they make their way down to the mall – the awes she experienced on the first day has died down a little, yet Kazu still giggles when she sees her face as they enter.

In the arts and crafts store, he excitably tells her to stay by the paint pots while he bounces around the store without her – it's his favorite store, she's been told; she can't blame him, humans are creative creatures, she's discovered, and she must commend them for that. Kazu drops a stack of strange things into the basket but she can't help but smile.

Until she sees a familiar couple walks into the store, holding hands and looking painfully in love.

Cursing silently, she slides down to the back of the store – unluckily for her, it's not a very big shop – and watches through the paint pots as they stop in the aisle right in front of her. If it wasn't for Kazu, she would run right out of that mall like her life depended on it. She does not want to deal with the level of discomfort that would come with another encounter with Shō and Kana.

The couple is the reason she wanted to jump off a bridge and end her own life – it's not something she can forget so easily. Half her life passed by her; so much time she could have spent doing other things, going other places, growing up, growing out of old habits and old loves, honestly.

She still feels terrible about agreeing to the Borrower Witch's second deal. It was a decision she admittedly wanted to make, yet she knew, without a doubt, it wasn't right.

It wasn't right, but was it the right decision for her?

Before she can mull this over, she hears them speaking softly. Kana giggles at something Shō has whispered in her ear, and she smiles brightly at the sound – like two teenagers falling in love for the first time. They move down the shelves, and Kana drops a few paint pots into the basket her husband is holding. She bites her lip, like she's pondering over something.

"Do you think that's too many colors?" she asks Shō, peeking into the basket. It is – every color of the rainbow is present.

"They wouldn't have to leave much to their imaginations, I guess…" Shō answers.

"Oh, but I want them to learn to mix their own colors and be creative…I should just get red, blue, yellow, black and white." She murmurs, hastily putting the other plethora of colors back onto the shelves, but she appears to change her mind, holding the purple and green pots in hand.

"Do you think they'll know that blue and red makes purple?"

"Don't worry too much about it, hm? They're already fourth years, I think they can figure it out for themselves."

"Wasn't it you who told me primary school was dull? I want my kids to have fun, this is the best time of their life…" she says, but Shō reassuringly takes her small hand in his.

"It will be fun for them, because they have the kindest, most beautiful teacher." Shō says, grinning bashfully like a little schoolboy. Kana rolls her eyes with a smile, and he gently presses a kiss to her forehead. Then he tilts her chin up so they're face to face and they kiss in the middle of the aisle, soft and sweet enough to make it hurt. Arrietty feels her chest tighten up and she turns her head away so she doesn't have to watch.

She turns too quickly, bumps into a heavy-set man she didn't see, and he knocks her right into a pyramid of plastic stacked shapes on display. Right into Shō and Kana's aisle.

They break their kiss quickly and turn, startled, to see her sprawled all over the floor surrounded by the now broken display.

Gasping in embarrassment, she's lucky they haven't seen her face yet. She covers her face with her hands in what she imagines makes a decent mask.

"Are you alright?" A passerby offers her a hand to help her up, but all she's concerned with is keeping her identity hidden. Through her fingers she can see Kana coming towards her to help clean the cluttered shapes and Shō stands in the aisle, stunned.

She can escape quickly without them knowing it's her if she moves now. She's safe for now.

"ARRIETTY? ARE YOU OKAY?"

Kazu's chirpy voice breaks the murmuring of the crowd beginning to form around her. She has never wanted to sink into the ground and disappear more than she does now.

She feels Kazu's tiny warm hands helping her up, face uncovered, and then hears to her side – "oh, Arrietty."

It's Kana's sympathy that she doesn't need right now.

"Are you alright, Arrietty? I'm so sorry, I didn't realize that you were in the store, it's nice to see you again…" she begins, as Arrietty's stabilized by Kana's hand on her back.

She hears footsteps and winces as she realizes Shō has also approached them.

"Arrietty, are you okay?"

"Yes, Shō, I'm fine."

It comes out a little sharper than she intends. He looks a little taken aback.

"I'll see you around, Shō, Kana, I have somewhere to be." She says quickly, grabs Kazu's hand and drags him out of the store.

"Arrietty—"

"Don't ask about them, Kazu, please?"

"But, wait a second—"

"I'm really sorry about this, but no questions?"

"No, I was going to say, we still need to buy my art stuff."

She stops halfway down the street and realizes he's right.

So they finally get home at six in the evening, sparking questions from Rena and a couple of sardonic jokes from Takeo directed at Arrietty about disappearing for another month or two. She ignores their unrelated questions about the color of her face, which has flushed a bright pink.

Quite possibly the most embarrassing hour of her life – she eventually ended up sending Kazu back into the store on his own, to avoid running into the couple again. This, of course, is the time they ended up leaving the art and crafts store with a bag of paint pots for Kana's primary school children.

"Oh, you're back, Arrietty?" Kana had asked, stopping her husband to approach the lonesome girl sitting on the bench by herself.

"Just waiting for someone," she'd replied briskly, avoiding eye contact. The sentence is cut a little short and a grey silence hung over the three of them. Kana just cleared her throat and smiled.

"So, how's town been treating you?"

"Okay."

"Have you done anything interesting yet? I guess this town isn't too bright, but you might've done something."

"No, not really."

"Have you been out at night, it's at its best after the sun comes down, honestly, the nightlife is great…" Kana had just ended up trailing off after seeing her indifferent expression.

"Should I be afraid or something?" Arrietty replied dryly.

Kana chuckled awkwardly and cleared her throat.

"Well, um, in that case, are you busy this weekend?" Kana suddenly asked, turning to her husband and giving her a look. Shō raised his eyebrows.

"Maybe you'd like to come to a party with us? Some of Shō's colleagues will be there, but you might like to experience it."

"A party?"

"That would be okay, wouldn't it, Shō?" Kana had asked, gently taking his hand and smiling up at him glowingly. He returned her slow smile.

"The more the merrier," he had managed.

She's not sure if he wanted to agree or not. Frankly she's not sure If he would have stopped in the first place if not for Kana.

So, awkwardly, she had smiled and agreed to be there, six o'clock sharp at their apartment, business casual attire, whatever that meant.

Back home, she realizes she probably should have just smiled and said no. She's never been to a human party, and it would have been so much easier with a feeble excuse, rather than having to sit out an entire night avoiding the two.

Yet, she hasn't forgotten she's still got a chance, a fighting chance. She has a chance for Shō and her to end up together – this could still turn out to be a happy ending.

There's always Kana, of course, so sweet and perfect. Maybe it's the irrational Arrietty talking, but she's about had it with her. But no worries, she can get around her, no matter how bad it makes Arrietty feel. If she can't out-sweeten her, she'll have to go for something a little more…material.

But only if she plays it right. She has to play right into his heart.

So play him she shall.


	11. And He's Long Gone

**COULD HAVE BEANS **

And He's Long Gone 

a/n: apologies for the name confusion in this chapter~fixed it now!

* * *

"Arrietty, are you sure you want to wear that?" Takeo asks her at the mall, his arms crossed and brow raised. She puts her hands on her hips and shrugs.

"Yes. Why? Does it look bad on me?"

Takeo turns a bright shade of red and shakes his head violently.

"No, no, you look great. It's just that…" he takes her in again and shakes his head in disbelief, "I, uh, never pictured you as this kind of girl."

"Like what kind?"

"Uh, you know…this kind. The dress, the high heels, the jewelry…"

"What's wrong with it?"

That's a lie, she knows exactly what's wrong with it. It's more of a tight-fitting, body hugging sheet of material rather than a proper dress, but she'll dedicate herself to this if she has to. She barely has Shō's attention as it is, at least this dress will bring every pair of eyes to her – hey, Shō is a grown man.

She's a little ashamed of what she has to do. Back home, she'd never do anything like this. She'd probably receive a scolding from her parents, something like how it demeans young girls and over-exploits their innocence, something like that.

But she's got to play it right. Even if she has to change a little. In this world, she fights by herself and herself alone. She fights for one cause, one man.

"Alright, if you're sure, Arrietty."

"I am."

Friday night arrives faster than she expects. Soon she's wriggled into her dress, slipped into her new shoes – which she cannot yet walk it, but she'll improvise – and Rena helps her apply what beans call 'make-up'. To 'make up' a new face for tonight, no doubt.

"I must say, Arrietty, this is quite a change." Rena murmurs as she feathers the brush over her cheekbones. Arrietty shrugs and smiles.

"I guess I needed a bit of a change."

She gets Takeo to drive Arrietty to Shō's apartment complex, to have him lecture her on the importance of responsible partying no less.

"Drink responsibly, and avoid using the bathroom if you can."

"I've never had a drink in my life, so I won't worry about the first one, but the second one sounds…dangerous."

Takeo chuckles.

"Just be careful getting home, okay? You know our address."

"Got it."

"And no adult sleepovers, please/"

"What?"

"Never mind."

He drops her on the sidewalk of the building and Arrietty can't help but notice everybody is dressed much more conservatively than she is. A little suspicious as she goes up to the elevator with two rather old gentleman, she takes a few deep breaths. As soon as she gets to his door, she flicks her hair and makes her grand entrance.

The entire complex is filled with people, and all eyes turn to her.

But admittedly, they don't stare at her in the longing, envious way she had imagined – in fact, they scrutinize her with something like disapproval. It probably has something to do with the fact that every single person is dressed modestly, like they're going to work—

So that's business attire.

Suddenly, Arrietty is very aware of how tight her dress is, how high it is above her knees, how low it dips at the collar. Blushing furiously, she does her best to sink into the walls by scuttling away from the entrance, but not before she catches Shō's eye from across the room. Even with the distance between them, she sees him raise his eyebrows, although she can't tell in what manner he does so.

Her face flaming, Arrietty makes sure to keep an eye on him. She wants him to see her, but at the same time, not like this. It's humiliating at the very least.

"Arrietty?"

The girl in question cringes at the familiar voice. There's the _other_ person she forgot she had to keep an eye on.

"Kana, great party." Arrietty manages to squeak, forcefully crossing her arms over her torso in an attempt to hide as much as she can from Shō's painfully elegant wife.

"Thank you…ah, wow. You look very different."

"…that's what I was going for?"

"Hah, um, I guess I should have mentioned that this was going to be a party with some of Shō's work colleagues."

Embarrassingly, Arrietty does recall something along those lines, but she's not going to admit that out loud. An awkward air hangs between the two.

"Well. I should attend to the guests, I am the host after all, it was good to see you, Arrietty." Kana gives her an apologetic smile and disappears into the crowd.

In light of her humiliation, Arrietty doesn't remember what happens in the next few hours. It's a blur of avoiding Shō and Kana, having the younger men offer her drinks and helping herself repeatedly to the food on the table. Her loss of memory probably has something to do with the numerous drinks she has reluctantly accepted from the men. Hey, now she has to go through a change of image, she may as well go the whole way.

Somewhere between clear and blurred vision, Arrietty remembers Shō and Kana clinking their glasses for everyone's attention. They make a speech she can't recall the contents of/

Oh, except for the one line that stands out to her.

"Thank you so much for coming tonight, and supporting us. We're so glad to have shared our three years of marriage with such wonderful people."

As Kana says these words, Arrietty turns to look at Shō, to see his eyes are already lingering on her. It's the look in his eyes that hits her, hard. For a second, his smile falters, but it returns when he looks away.

That's when she begins to feel the after effects of all those drinks – now she's aware of why Takeo told her to drink responsibly – a headache, spacey vision and having a constant urge to throw up is no pleasure to experience.

In the most unattractive state she's ever been in, Shō approaches her.

"Whoa, steady there, Arrietty." He gently stabilizes her with a hand on her back, "I think you need some fresh air…"

With that, he leads her outside onto the balcony and closes the doors behind them. The cold wind is a fair welcome.

"Thamks…" Arrietty manages.

"First drink, I guess? I don't recall Borrowers having alcohol."

"That's what it's call…?" her words can't form properly in her mouth. Shō chuckles dully and nods.

"Yeah. It's dangerous stuff. But it takes the steam off sometimes."

Shō suddenly turns to her with a look on his face. His features blur together and she can't see straight, but she can tell his expression is empathetic.

"I just brought you out here to see if you were okay. You know, not just the drinking thing, but your life. I mean," he turns to her and the sorrow on his face is genuine, "twelve years is a long time. There's this whole space of time in life we've missed."

He exhales softly and looks out to the city landscape, all the pretty lights.

"And all this must be a shock. I know we haven't really talked properly since the first day, but I need to know you're...okay with everything, and everyone."

She knows through her haze that he has the best intentions. And she knows exactly what he's talking about, the stupid twenty-seven year old woman dragged along by the coattails of her schoolgirl crush. It's laughable.

"So, that's all I needed to say right now, the most I can say that you will understand. " He turns to face her again, "do you want to say anything?"

Any other time, any other day, she could have thrown up. But it had to be today. Before replying, she lets the contents of her stomach go over the balcony and she's not sure if she hit any unfortunate passersby.

Shō drives her home immediately. She's glad to be out of there. One thing is for sure, she's never going to a party, bean or borrower, again.

"You need help getting inside?" he asks her. Arrietty shakes her head.

"I think you need to go have a good night's sleep, okay?" he says gently.

Arrietty nods slowly, and numbly, she leans forward and presses her lips against his.

For a second, she thinks she feels him kiss her back, and her world stops. But a married man, he stops almost immediately and pulls away. He's such a good person – the reason she fell in love with him in the first place. A boy, now a man, with a heart of gold. Just not her man.

Neither says a word after. Shō is speechless and keeps his gaze forward. So wordlessly, Arrietty gets out of the car and goes inside. When she looks back, Shō's already gone.

Arrietty stumbles inside, her head and heart both throbbing violently. She collapses on the mattress in Kazu's room where he's already asleep and tries to ignore the warmth that's spreading through her body despite how horrible she feels because of that stupid 'alcohol'. At least it makes it easier for her to get to sleep – the faster she sleeps, the faster she can escape the feeling.

A thumping on her window keeps her awake into the wee hours of the night. Her head still hurts but she crawls out of bed to close it more securely. However something makes her shriek silently and clap a hand over her mouth.

A little somebody.

"Spill?"

Spiller stands on the window ledge, his figure small but his gaze stark and direct, his eyes sparking livid. It's rare to see him this way. He crosses his hands over his torso.

"Spill, what are you doing here?" she asks quietly. Spiller just shakes his head slowly and swallows loudly.

"I did not think what witch said was true. But it is, isn't it?" he asks, and a pang of wistfulness hits her when she hears his voice for the first time in weeks. Usually so familiar and warm, but right now, it's cold and unwelcoming.

"What?"

She knows exactly what.

"You left me and our kind. You left parents and friends. You left borrowers' world for beans' world."

Arrietty rubs her temples and she knows that she can't lie to her best friend.

"Yes, yes I did, Spill. But I did it for a reason!"

"Why, Arrietty? Why would you leave us? What is reason to leave life?" His voice hushes slightly, "does Arrietty know how much Pod and Homily have been crying? They think Arrietty is no longer living."

"I didn't leave my life. And I'm still living, just…here. As a bean."

"Arrietty must tell Spiller why she left. She must have good reason."

"I do, I do have a good reason, Spill," she starts, but she looks behind her to see Kazu stirring in his sleep, "but we should talk outside. I don't want to wake anybody."

Spiller doesn't say anything, but stares at the little boy's sleeping form with enraged eyes. He steps aside and lets her climb through the window. They crouch down under it, out of sight.

"Who is the little boy?" Spiller asks. Arrietty sits cross legged and sighs.

"Kazu. This is his family's house."

"Arrietty is living with humans?" his eyes widen and stamps his foot, making a tiny sound in the world of humans, "does Arrietty know how dangerous beans can be?"

"No, Beans aren't dangerous, Spill! Not all of them! Some of them are kind and wonderful and such beautiful people on the inside and out. Especially Kazu and his family. They let me stay with them, and they asked for nothing in return." She protests.

Spiller raises his eyebrows, in deep thought.

"That is strange. They are so kind."

"Exactly."

"No, it is bad. It is bad thing."

"How? Why? They've been so sweet and welcoming."

"Why would they let strange girl into house? Arrietty would not let strange bean into house, why would they?" he ponders momentarily.

"Because they're not as bad as you think, Spill! Please believe me. I came here for a good cause. And I'm getting closer and closer."

"Closer to what?"

"Shō."

"Who?"

Arrietty exhales softly, "you remember the human boy I met, twelve years ago? Shō is his name. I came to find him."

Spiller shakes his head in disbelief.

"Arrietty left parents and friend because of a boy? A human boy?"

"Yes."

"But…why?"

"Because I love him."

Spiller stands stock still, speechless. His eyes search her face, searching for what, she's not sure. He takes a deep breath and looks her straight in the eye. Then suddenly he turns around and begins to walk away. Arrietty's heart jumps out of her chest.

"Spill, where are you going?"

"_Home." _

She reaches out to stop him. Now she's big enough to.

"Spill, please. You're my best friend. You're the only one I can talk to about this!"

"Spiller is still Arrietty's best friend. But Borrower Arrietty, not girl who chooses Bean over Borrower. Her own family. Her own kind. Borrower Arrietty is no longer here." His eyes soften a little, "Spiller wants old Arrietty back. I hope she is still in there somewhere."

He shakes his head one final time before walking away into the night.

"Spiller!"

Arrietty calls to him with tears threatening to spill. But he doesn't look back.


	12. Things That Break

**COULD HAVE BEANS **

Things That Break

_a/n: ah mon dieu, it has been too long...many apologies, thanks for reading!_

* * *

So this is why Takeo told her to drink responsibly.

Arrietty wakes up with a horrific headache that sends her thoughts spinning - she's completely reluctant to pick up Kazu on Rena's wishes. She's a little snippier than usual; her words are clipped and shorter. It may or may not have to do with the huge mess Arrietty had left in the bathroom the night before.

"Arrietty, pick Kazu up from school, please."

Without objection, Arrietty obliges, dragging herself out the door at around three.

Primary school is a terrifying place, she realizes. She's almost bowled over by the tsunami of little primary children, squealing with delight for the Friday afternoon. Arrietty passes the classrooms – 5A; empty. 5B; empty. 5C; empty. She arrives at 5D, she peeks in, and a familiar figure is illuminated by the afternoon sun shining through the window, her shadow falling on the floor beneath her.

"Kana?"

Kana, looking appropriately prim and proper in her teacher's attire and her long haired pulled back in a ponytail, turns away from the window to look at Arrietty.

"Arrietty, what are you doing here?"

"Picking up Kazu."

Kana noticeably stiffens at the name, "are you his family member, or—"

"No, just a friend." Something like relief passes over her face.

"Well, Kazu's not a student in my class. If anything, he'll be out on the playground with some of the other kids." She says, seating herself at the desk at the front of the room. She's expecting Arrietty to leave, but she doesn't.

"Have you worked here long?" Arrietty asks. Kana shifts uncomfortably. She's been doing that a lot since Arrietty's been around.

"Five years – started out as a student teacher, now I'm full time."

"Huh, long time?"

"Not really."

A pregnant silence takes over.

"Right, I'll go find –" Arrietty begins.

"—Kazu. Yes." Kana finishes for her.

They stay there for half a moment, not sure what to do or say, before Arrietty snaps back to reality, manages to mumble her goodbye and gets the hell out of there before the uneasiness grows.

Awkwardness doesn't even begin to describe how she feels around Kana. It's a mix of unease, guilt, resentment among a hundred more – a part of her feels like Kana knows something bad is going to happen, and she's putting her guard up before it does. Whenever Arrietty's around, her smile dims, her arms fold to create a barrier between them, and some of the light is drained from the room.

She has every right to be defensive, suspicious of her sudden appearance back into her husband's life, yet the discomfort it cases Arrietty makes her wonder. Maybe Kana had detected tension between her and Shō, and came to a conclusion that may not have necessarily been true.

Humans are unusual creatures. She'll probably never understand them. She finds her way to the playground and sure enough, Kazu is there. He's sitting on what looks like a swing chair that hangs from a bar in the air.

"Kazu!"

"Hey, Arrietty!"

"What are you doing?"

"I'm…on the swing?"

"That looks dangerous, get off."

"C'mon, Arrietty, it's fine. Look how high I can go, no hands!"

To her horror, Kazu swings himself up into the air and at the very peak, he lets go with both hands and lets out a joyful cry.

"Wheeeeeeee, look!"

Arrietty claps her hand over her mouth as Kazu soars all the way back, squealing.

"Kazu! Get down, _now!_" she shrieks.

"Where's Takeo? He always lets me go no hands." Kazu grumbles.

"Well, Takeo is a bad playground monitor. That's so dangerous, Kazu, you humans…" she stops herself before Kazu can make sense of what she said, but thankfully, he doesn't.

But what he does do is turn to grin at her, and instead, propels himself forward a little too hard.

He goes flying across the playground. With a sickening crunch sound, one moment he's in the air and the next he's crumpled on the ground, whimpering in pain.

Something is deathly, deathly wrong.

She freezes up, and suddenly everything goes all at once. She rushes Kazu, his little figure limp.

"Kazu?" she whispers, gently pushing the hair out of his face and wiping the tears from his face. He doesn't say anything.

**"Help, help, anyone!" **her voice becomes pained and she shrieks out across the empty playground, all the children having left for home already. No teachers, no students, no one. She begins to panic, and claws through Kazu's bag, hands shaking. She comes across his cell phone, a small silver gadget that humans talk to. Her hands tremble, she realizes she has no idea how to use it.

"Kazu, I'm so sorry, you need to teach me how to use this, to call Takeo or Rena or somebody or anybody! What do I do?"

Kazu moans and clutches his arm. It looks dangerously limp.

"Call the ambulance…"

"_How?_"

Kazu picks the phone from her hand with his good arm and grimaces at her, punching a few numbers into it and holding it back out. Arrietty puts the phone to her ear and speaks with an unfamiliar voice for a few minutes. They try to work out details, but Arrietty simply collapses into a wreck and the lady on the other end uses her scattered sobs to work out their location. Ten minutes later a loud car wails all the way to the park, lights flashing blue and red.

The next few hours are a blur. They get to the familiar hospital – the one she's been to, and they're led down what feels like hundreds of hallways to a room where Arrietty is made to wait outside. It feels like lifetimes are passing her by when she's finally called into the room.

And who should be seated at the desk but –

"Shō."

He stands up immediately when she walks in the room.

"Arrietty."

The silence lingers for a moment, and then the young doctor clears his throat and nods over to Kazu who is snoring softly on the bed.

"He did really well. Did everything we asked him to. He should recover in a month or so, it's only a fracture, nothing too serious," he says with an air of professionalism she hasn't seen from him as of yet.

He hands her a couple of documents and says a few things, but she's not really listening.

He speaks and acts as if last night had never happened.

The smell and sight of him are still fixed in her brain yet he appears to have forgotten it all – he doesn't show any sign of consideration. He's completely stone cold emotionless.

"So, bring him back in a week, only because he's young and the fracture will heal faster, we'll see how he's going, alright?"

Arrietty nods silently, and Shō, satisfied, goes back to his computer and tick-tacking at his keyboard. She glances over at the sleeping boy – he won't possibly overhear.

"Shō."

He looks up, "yes?"

She feels like she should apologize. She feels obligated to apologize for yesterday, but she doesn't feel apologetic in the least – apologies mean regrets, and she doesn't regret kissing him at all.

Funny how twelve years of spiraling feelings boiled down to this – one sad, beautiful drunken kiss planted on the lips of the man of her dreams, in love with another.

"I…"

He hesitates, expectant of her answer. But his gaze lacks the warmth that is usually there. Instead, his eyes are hard and void of emotion. As if he knows what she's going to say but wants to hear it from her anyway, just to add salt to the wound.

So she closes up as Kazu stirs.

The tenderness and life springs back into his face as he turns to his patient – it hits her with a dull pain that throbs at her heart.

It's her own fault, but how is it fault when all it feels is right? Right, and true, and honest.

"How're you feeling? You have a visitor."

Kazu gives Arrietty a sweet smile when he sees her, "better." Shō chuckles.

"Right then, it's time to go home, and get everyone to sign your cast, right?"

"Right!"

"Off you go then. I'll see you – both – in a week's time."

Arrietty swears that his gaze lingers on her a little longer as she walks out the door.

"Hey, Arrietty!" Kazu tugs at her arm.

"Hm?"

"Take me to the crepe shop, would you? I was going to ask you after school, but—" he stares at his bandaged arm and grins sheepishly, "well…please?"

He looks at her with wide, lamb-innocent eyes. She knows it's a stupid, stupid idea, and it's late, and Takeo and Rena will be furious, yet she can't shake off the feeling that she probably should do what he says. _No_, she should've said, _I have no bloody idea what or where the crepe shop is_. But instead, under Kazu's longing gaze, she nods stiffly and manages to nod her head.

Stupid, stupid.

So with an excitable nine year old at her side and a town she doesn't know to conquer in front of her, they set off down the road. As they make their way down the busy streets, she begins to think maybe getting lost could open her eyes, a new perspective.

But about an hour into their expedition, she knows she was wrong. The entire town, mapping of the roads is exactly the same and it does her head in. They find themselves on the other side of town, and Arrietty, not knowing how to disappoint her young companion, pretends to know where to go. She manages to buy Kazu an ice-cream from a passing gelato van to keep him satisfied, but otherwise, they're still crêpe-less. The pair ends up sitting on the curb next to the gelato truck, defeated and exhausted.

"You had no idea where we were going, were you?" Kazu finally realizes. Arrietty holds back a frustrated sigh.

"Honestly, if you knew, you could have stopped me at any time, Kazu." He shrugs pointedly, "I wouldn't have minded if you led the way."

"I don't know how to get there."

"But you've been there."

"Do you remember what it's near?"

"No."

"Do you know what it was called?"

"No."

"Do you even know what it looks like?"

"I forgot."

"But you've been there."

"I know, but I forgot!"

"But you've _been there!" _

"Arrietty, I'm nine."

Eventually the sun goes down and the stars come out. Arrietty makes fragmented small talk with the driver of the gelato truck while Kazu, poor Kazu, lays his head down in Arrietty's lap and falls asleep, cradling his bandaged arm. She's given up panicking – she gave it up hours ago when rain had begun to fall. She needs what energy she has left.

Sitting wet, cold and with a sleeping boy to protect, she wonders how she could be so reckless, jumping into something although she knew it meant trouble. Perhaps the Borrower in her had forgotten why her parents never let her out of the house, even at twenty-five. Evidently her sense hadn't grown with her size.

She prepares to close her eyes and sleep it off until tomorrow morning, let her dreams wash away all reality. But as she does, a pair of headlights round the corner, piercing the veil of darkness. She almost immediately recognizes the car with its ridiculous duck squeak horn sound.

"Takeo?"

"Arrietty, what the hell?"

Once they gently load a sleeping Kazu into the back of the car, he gives her a cold hard stare, but that's it.

She's in the wrong, that's been silently acknowledged by both parties, so, she holds her tongue; she knows the worst is coming. The drive home is silent, and Takeo doesn't look at her, doesn't say a thing, doesn't even move to turn on the radio.

She desperately, desperately wants to say something. She wants to beg for his forgiveness. But she knows it's no use right now.

They're greeted by Rena at the front door, looking absolutely terrified, and when she spots Kazu, she runs over and sweeps him into her arms. She cradles his bandaged arm and looks Arrietty long and hard in the eye. Then she turns away.

It's not until they've tucked him safely into bed that Arrietty is ready for the worst, from both mother and son.

But to her surprise, and Takeo's too, Rena doesn't crack. She doesn't scream and swear. Instead, she gives her a disapproving, disappointed glare, shakes her head and disappears behind her bedroom door.

Total, utter disappointment; it's a lot worse than anger, it feels a lot worse. It makes her want to crawl up on the floor and cry; which she does for the worst part of the night. Not racked sobbing like when she lost Shō in the rain, not a leak of resentful tears like at Shō's apartment, but a whole new emotion - something like numbness.

Numb on the inside and out.

But that's not even the worst part of the night.

She lies in bed, tossing and turning. She can't help but look out at the windowsill every now and then, hoping that the little figure of a man will appear in the moonlight. He doesn't, but his words keep coming back to her.

_"Spiller is still Arrietty's best friend. But Borrower Arrietty, not girl who chooses Bean over Borrower. Her own family. Her own kind. Borrower Arrietty is no longer here."_

She is still here. She is still Arrietty, borrower, mother and father's perfect daughter, stay-at-home girl, Spiller's best friend, in love with Shō. She's never changed. The only difference now being that her world's split down the middle. Her heart breaks into two – one half cries for Spiller, the other for Shō.

Truth be told, she hadn't thought about Spiller much until his visit. In fact, she hadn't thought about the Borrower world much at all. She hadn't thought about her parents, or her house, or how life had passed her by in the little world, how she was losing days in her real home, with her real family. Never, ever in a million years, would she ever have dreamed of leaving the perfect home life she once had.

Before she came here.

That kiss stays with her every hour that passes. How he tasted – she couldn't tell because she had no idea where her senses were. How he had looked – she can't really remember, because his face was doubled up and his features had blurred together by the end of the night.

But she can only imagine how he felt, and the thought of it alone is terrible. He's a married man, a loyal one, and that kiss would mean he had shared this one special interaction that he wasn't supposed to share with anyone but Kana, with her – Arrietty. He would have felt like he was betraying her, lying to her. She can't imagine how awful he would have felt after she had gone inside, how the guilt might've stayed with him long after the night was over.

Kana – what would she do if she found out? Hunt her down with a pitchfork and knife, most likely. Honestly, they had already started out on the wrong foot, the tension between them is huge, and the grey cloud of apprehension that follows them around whenever they go is a constant presence.

She groans and rolls over. She hadn't been thinking properly – it was a spur of the moment kind of thing; meant as a wildly romantic and spontaneous gesture, if she hadn't been seeing alcohol–induced stars while it had happened.

How is it that she, Arrietty, still does not regret her decision after all this thinking – she must be a terrible person, that's all. A terrible person, madly driven by love and persistence.

She tries not to think about it anymore – the stars around her head are returning without the alcohol, but the memory of the kiss, then Spiller's face continue to drown out any other thoughts.

Sighing, she drags herself out of bed and to the kitchen. She pours herself a glass of water and sips at it, leaning against the tabletop and massaging her throbbing forehead. Taking a deep breath, she stares out the window. When it's nighttime, the hustle and bustle of the city is actually tamed. The stars blink brighter than the city lights. It's nice.

"It is nice."

She hears Takeo approach her from behind. She turns around reluctantly to see him, evidently wide awake, with his own glass of water in hand. Arrietty inclines her head and gives him an expectant look. He returns it.

"What?" he asks. Arrietty shakes her head with a sigh of disbelief.

"Come on, let me have it."

"Have what?"

"You didn't say anything on the drive home. You didn't even look at me. I assumed you'd be saving it for now."

Takeo nods, "yeah, well. I was planning on it. But Mom and Kazu are asleep."

Arrietty shrugs. They stand in silence in the kitchen for a while.

"Takeo."

"Mm."

"I'm so, so sorry. You don't even know how sorry I am. I don't know…what I was thinking, okay? I should have…" she falters, because she's not sure what else she can say.

"Hey."

She looks up and Takeo's moved a little closer.

"Kazu told me that you were telling him to get down from the swing. You did the right thing, in that circumstance – like, you called the ambulance and everything. So, it wasn't your fault, and I don't blame you for it."

Arrietty hesitates, "Kazu said that?"

Takeo chuckles.

"Yeah he did. You know, that kid really has a thing for you."

Arrietty grins, "Well, thank you for telling me."

He hesitates and studies her with a measured concern, as to why she can't quite put her finger on. But he gives her a little lopsided smile, "goodnight, Arrietty."

"Goodnight."

She takes another sip of water, her head still throbbing a little, before smiling a little and going back up to her room. But now, it feels as if a huge weight has been lifted off her shoulders. The relief overwhelms her.

She doesn't notice Takeo's gaze following her up the stairs for a lingering moment. She doesn't hear the soft exhale that leaves him as he returns to a night of restless sleep.

Neither Takeo nor Arrietty hear the soft, faint banging of little hands on glass, behind the kitchen cabinet.


	13. I Left My Childhood In A Garden Green

**COULD HAVE BEANS**

I Left My Childhood In A Garden Green 

The days begin to pass quicker and quicker. Perhaps it's the fact she's running out of time, but more than that it's because Arrietty knows she's losing herself.

She's beginning to forget what her home looks like. One day it might just be what color her bed is, or the curtains in the kitchen, but as time escapes her, she finds she draws a blank at how many rooms there are in the house, where the bathroom is, how to get there from the front porch of Takeo's house.

What's even scarier is that her parents' faces are starting to fade too. It's been two weeks, yet their features are a blur. Her father – Pod, it might've been – his hair is graying, his figure is athletic and getting a little stout, but that's as much as she remembers. His eyes might be green, or blue, or brown, but it's been too long since she's seen them to know for sure.

And her mother, Homily. The face she remembers, the figure she remembers, but when she thinks about little details – her birthday, her favorite color, what color her apron is, if she wears an apron at all – she can't seem to recall much.

The only reason she realizes how much she's forgotten is because on the way to pick up Kazu from school, she throws a sideways glance a bush beside the porch and only then does it hit her that it's her home. Her old home.

At least they've developed a regular pick-up, drop-off routine by now; her, Takeo and Rena. Takeo drops off Kazu before going to work, Arrietty walks him home from school in the afternoon, and they all have dinner together afterwards.

So on a Tuesday, when a car pulls up beside her on the sidewalk, she's not sure whether to stop in her tracks or run far, far away.

"Hey."

"Hey."

She stays on the sidewalk, still, as Shō leans out of the car window and gives her a small smile. Again, she's not sure whether to smile back or walk in the opposite direction.

The last time they were face to face, Arrietty had the urge to cry – she's being feeling like that a lot lately. It was just the way he had looked at her; his gaze hollow and taciturn. The emptiness in his eyes was destructive; if only looks could kill, maybe that would be a better place for her.

But she's been down that path; it wasn't one she wanted to revisit. So she holds her gaze high to meet his.

His eyes are more earnest today.

"Are you headed to the school?" he asks, and she nods, "do you want a lift?"

It would have been so much easier to say no. Much more comfortable, with just a smile and a polite decline, she could have walked all the way to the school with time to spare before the ring of the final bell.

But she probably can't deal with the aftermath of that running-away-from-your-problems crap. Not today.

"That would be really nice. Thank you."

So she gets in the car. The smell really hits her – it's Shō, it's all Shō. She knows his smell; she can't quite put her finger on it, but it's him.

They drive in silence for a few minutes. The silence is neither comfortable nor difficult – she knows him too well to be uncomfortable around him. She knows his smell and his face and the sound of his voice too well. She knows the stupid color of his hair is raven, not black. She knows he always carries around a book of some kind. She knows he always has to have medication in his bag, too.

But in her peripheral vision, she can see maybe she doesn't know him as well as she thinks she does.

There's a picture of his family sticking in the front window, his mother with an arm around young Shō's shoulders; the father figure is torn out. Estranged father, maybe, Arrietty wonders, because she had never really gathered from his bright twelve-year-old demeanor. Of course there is a wedding picture right next to that. They look so happy.

Arrietty quickly looks away and back out onto the road.

They stop at a red light, and Shō rather obviously attempts some small talk. It makes her chuckle a little bit.

"So, how have you been?"

"I've been good. How about you?"

"Fine. Thanks."

Silence.

"Are you going to walk Kazu home from school? Emily told me you're his caretaker, or babysitter now, is that right?"

"Yeah, something like that."

"Oh."

More silence.

"Are you…his aunty? Or his cousin?"

"No. I'm just a friend."

"Just a friend. Okay."

Something about his tone puts her off. But she doesn't question it.

"Are you going to pick up Emily?" she asks him quietly. The answer is obvious, but he still turns to her like the question itself is obscure.

"Uh, yeah," he replies, but the gap of quiet between proves too big, "we, uh, we're going to go get some early dinner."

For some unknown reason he felt the need to offer some explanation, although he probably knows she's aware of their situation. They're married, after all.

They stop at another red light and the obligatory moment of quiet returns again.

"Look, Arrietty…"

She turns to him, but he doesn't do the same.

"I know we haven't really spoken about…it. It might be weird if we do. I think it's best to pretend it never happened, okay?" he says. The sound of his voice is undecided, but it's honest.

She studies him a little more before responding. He keeps his gaze stark and forward, both hands on the steering wheel with a firm grip, unmoved. He's as tense as she is, so she nods.

"I was drunk, and I made a mistake, and the alcohol clouded my judgment – I wasn't thinking clear enough. I wouldn't have done it if I was thinking straight."

He doesn't say anything more.

"I'm sorry, Shō."

He nods in response. They pull up beside the school.

She puts a hand on the door to get out, but she hears something, barely a sentence, but clear enough, although he says it with a lack of certainty.

"No?"

"What?"

"Nothing."

She hears exactly what he's said, but she tries to ignore it, and whatever he might mean by it. She sits there with the door half open, fingers on the handle. Shō manages a genuine smile.

"So, no hard feelings, right?" he asks. She gives him a nod.

"No, absolutely not," She says, returning a smile, "we know each other, we _really_ know each other. We shouldn't pretend like we don't."

He chuckles softly.

"I suppose we can't, can we?"

"No. You haven't changed much, after all," she says warmly.

"We're not kids anymore, that's a huge change," Shō adds, turning to her and running a hand through his hair, "we've grown up a lot. We're not living at the same place; we're around different people now."

"How is your mother?" Arrietty asks. Shō smiles wistfully.

"Still at the house, taking care of herself and her own health, instead of mine. And the cat."

Arrietty grins into the distance at something.

Shō turns to her, "what?"

"Do you still have that nosy house maid?"

Shō laughs for the first time. The sound is warm and familiar. His face lights up and her heart skips in her chest.

"Haru? Not anymore. She moved out of my parents' house a few years ago. Said she had enough to travel the world and see everything she'd only seen in pictures and on postcards. Now she's somewhere in London."

"Wow."

"Yeah. She doesn't have any family that we know of, so now, she really is a free woman. She can live a free life."

"That sounds like a good kind of life."

"Kind of like your life, wasn't it?"

She turns her head to look at him.

"What I don't understand, Arrietty, is why you would leave such a wonderful world to come and live in this one. Even if you came here, even if you came here for a real purpose, this world is so plain, so ordinary. Being a Borrower makes you free."

Shō's voice is as troubled as his expression, a flicker of poignancy appears for a second, then disappears.

"Your home as so perfect. You could run around in the grass and climb amongst the flowers for years on end and not get tired of seeing the same landscape because it was _so_… beautiful."

There's no mistaking the pain in his voice. It rasps on the end of his sentence, as if such thoughts are difficult to address.

"You miss it, don't you?" she asks quietly.

His gaze reaches her face for a moment, and then he replies plaintively, "Don't you?"

It was so long ago, being in that place, but the images are clear in her mind like it was yesterday. The best times of her life were there – the little dollhouse, the sugar cube, lying for hours in a green grass meadow littered with flowers every color of the rainbow, even running from that damned cat of his – she thinks of them fondly, holds them dear to her heart.

Especially those that involved passing days with a twelve year old Shō. Those are the best of all.

She closes her eyes.

"Yes. I miss that meadow. So many flowers—"

"Heh, I had a place in that meadow. I didn't ever mark it with anything, but in yards of land, I could place exactly where it was amongst all those flowers."

"Yes, I remember. You would always lie there with a book and that…sweet cat of yours."

"You don't have to lie about Niya to me, she was difficult to be around."

They both laugh. Shō smiles and his eyes crinkle at the corners like half-moons.

"We would lie in that meadow for hours," he recalls, "what would we do there? When I was alone I would just read, and stroke Niya a thousand times over. When I wasn't—"

"—we would be talking. Just talking." She finishes for him.

"About what?"

"Everything. Life, death," she says, "love."

"I wouldn't have known much about that, would I?" he asks, chuckling softly, "as a child, it was just a four letter word to me."

Arrietty manages a smile, "not anymore."

He agrees, "no."

The school bell rings in the distance. They both react slowly.

"Ah, school bell. We should probably go and grab them, shouldn't we?" he asks.

"Oh yes."

The walk is short, but before they separate, he taps her on the shoulder.

"I'm glad we could clear the air, Arrietty. I just," he hesitates, before giving her a smile, "I didn't realize how much I've missed everything. I've missed missing the past, and I've missed you, a lot. I guess I hadn't taken much notice of it before."

Her heart flutters in her chest. But for some reason, it's not one of those unusually uncontrollable oscillations of a mixture of nerves and butterflies and being in love.

Maybe she had been _in_ love. Maybe she's not _in_ love anymore.

It's just love.

The warmth in his half-moon eyes have returned, the sweet in his laugh, the truth and nostalgia in his memories of their past together – this is what she's been missing all along.

Arrietty chuckles, "that's alright. I've been out of character lately. That last few weeks have been—"

Transforming with a lack of clothing, moving into a stranger's house, ridiculous car horns, married ones, bridges, jumping, near death experiences, hospital, lights, little children, business casual, a drunk kiss, headaches, broken bones, broken hearts and a lot of memories. And him, Shō.

"—crazy. Absolutely crazy."

It's his turn to chuckle.

"Yeah, life is that way sometimes. I'll see you around, Arrietty."

She gives him a little wave, but as he walks away, she's reminded of something.

"Shō—"

He turns around to look at her, hands in his pockets.

"—what you said earlier about this world being 'ordinary'—"

"What about it?"

She gives him a smile.

"It's not."

* * *

_a/n:_ we are past the uncharacteristically vulnerable, emotionally unstable Arrietty! So now I hope plucky, more determined Arrietty is back, it's more linear to the storyline, I think...thanks for reading, as always. Nearly 40 reviews, keep letting me know how I'm going~


	14. Love Is A Verb

**COULD HAVE BEANS **

Love Is A Verb

_a/n:_oookay (to the few of you who read the last few chapters, hey, what's up) my updates have been pretty pathetic lately so I'm sorry...I'm making it up right now, I swear-enjoy this one, and thank you for reading as always!

* * *

It's been a while since she's woken up before sunrise. She had always been somewhat of an early bird, but it had been routine as a borrower; now as a bean, it seems more regular not to get out of bed before nine o'clock.

Arrietty can't be sure if they're lazy or just not early risers. Perhaps a bit of both.

Waking up at the crack of dawn has her feeling alive. She feels balanced Not quite at peace, not quite going out her mind, inside out crazy, but in the right places, in the right circumstances, she's ended up in the middle of somewhere.

"You look happy about something," Takeo observes, a little smirk tugging at the corners of his mouth.

"I'm fine."

It's been a while though, since smiling like this too – truthfully and like she has a purpose in the world, not just meandering around in a two-week life passing her by.

But now she's in a strange place; stuck between the last carriage of being in love and the first or really loving.

Is this true love? Maybe it's still one sided, maybe it isn't anymore, but she doesn't know for sure. It feels truer, more genuine, but it mightn't be enough. She hasn't thought about that the deal in a while. That Borrower witch surely hasn't forgotten her or their bargain. Arrietty glances over to the calendar hanging on the wall. She counts the days. It's Saturday - fifteen days until she turns twenty-seven and she returns to being ten centimeters tall.

And then what – she'd return to being Arrietty, Borrower Arrietty. Borrower Arrietty who watched the world pass her by from her bedroom window; Borrower Arrietty who was forever waiting for a handsome borrower boy to knock on her door and sweep her off her feet, Borrower Arrietty who would be the same little perfect girl her parents had always wanted her to be.

She would be in the same little house under the same bushes, looking out at the same view day by day, waiting for the same old thing, resenting the same old regrets.

Same old, same old.

The phone suddenly rings and interrupts her train of thought. It startles her and she jumps back a little in shock. She wonders to herself why Beans have such strange contraptions lying around, first the duck horn, now the telephone.

"Don't be afraid of it, it's just another person on the line." Takeo murmurs as he passes her.

Ignoring him, she holds it gingerly to her ear, "hello?"

"Arrietty?" The voice on the other end resonates with distasteful surprise.

"Yes…who is this?" Arrietty asks slowly.

"It's Kana…I'm calling for Rena, Kazuhiko's mother."

Arrietty feels her voice becoming thick, with discomfort or foreshadowing bad things that will follow, either one of those.

"How are you?" Arrietty begins unevenly.

"Fine. Is Rena there?"

Her words are short; her tone is shorter and snippier. It doesn't make the lingering silence over the telephone any easier to her. She hears a pregnant pause on Kana's end of the line; maybe a sigh, although its not clear enough to tell if it's in exasperation. Arrietty can never tell with Kana, whenever she's with her she can just sense a bitter mix of distance and dislike and maybe a little bit of pure skepticism. She probably can't blame her for that last part; her presence in her and Shō's lives is sudden. Although, she did recall a time when Kana was quite chivalrous towards her.

It was a while ago.

"No…not right now, she's out at the shops. I can always pass a message to her, if you'd like," Arrietty offers.

"Well, I was calling to ask if she would be willing to help out at the local fair. The kids are going on an excursion, and we need more chaperones."

Arrietty writes it down on some paper lying next to the machine, then cradles the phone between her shoulder and her ear, beckoning Kazu over, lowering her voice so the other line finds it inaudible.

"Are you going on an excursion?" she asks, he nods.

"To the local fair?" she asks, he nods again, beaming.

Pondering, she thinks that it couldn't hurt to spend some time with Kazu and his friends at a carnival. She would find it more amusing than Rena ever would, most likely.

Shō would be there.

"Do you think I could chaperone, instead of Rena?" she asks; this time, he vigorously nods his head,, smile a mile wide.

"Mom always gets tired really easy at these kinds of things. It's like she's a thousand years old." Kazu shrugs. Arrietty raises her eyebrows and she has the phone back up at her ear.

"Hey, Kana…do you think it would be alright for me to come as a chaperone?"

This pause is longer than the last one.

"You don't know the town all that well, do you?" Kana asks dubiously.

"I can learn."

"You don't really know the kids either."

"I know Kazu, Kazu knows everyone."

"This isn't really your event, Arrietty. I really appreciate your enthusiasm, but we need more experienced, more…mature chaperones for this trip."

The tension on the line is crisp and clear to both. She doesn't even need to ask to know that Kana doesn't want to be around her.

She just needs a little time to be around Shō.

Plus, Kana could be a little more sincere. The earnestness in her voice is too syrupy, too sweet.

One thing Arrietty always was, and still is, is determined. Maybe a little plucky, occasionally overly ambitious, but always determined. So she tries her best to hide a scoff.

"You don't think I'm mature enough for this?"

A little silence follows.

"Just leave the memo for Rena, alright? You're welcome to come along…if you wish."

Arrietty makes pointed eye contact with Takeo, toast hanging out of his mouth and eyebrows raised high on his forehead.

"Thanks. Okay. Yes, bye."

She hangs up the phone.

"What was that?" Takeo asks.

"What?"

"Sounded heated," he shrugs his shoulders nonchalantly.

Arrietty exhales softly.

"She doesn't like me very much."

"Who?"

"Kazu's sensei."

"Why not?"

"It's…complicated."

Takeo scoffs, "oh, is it?"

"Yeah," Arrietty folds her hands across her chest, a little defensively.

"Let me hear it. This is going to have to be pretty rich." Takeo gives her one of those stupid smirks and shakes his head.

Arrietty pursues her lips in thought. She wonders whether or not to tell Takeo about Shō.

She wouldn't have to reveal her past or present circumstances. She just hasn't talked to anybody about it or him and sooner or later she'll need to let it all spill out.

"So, there's a man—"

"—ooh? Is this something scandalous?"

"Well, he's married, if that's what you mean."

Takeo makes a tut-tut noise, mildly amused, "Arrietty."

She rolls her eyes. He chuckles with some scorned kind of enjoyment.

"Do you remember when I showed up on your front porch one day, just like that, out of nowhere—"

"—naked no less—"

"—shut up, I had a towel on—remember that? And how I kind of ran off one day, out of the coffee shop, then I told you I was looking for someone."

"Heh. Yeah."

"This man…" she shakes her head. Takeo studies her face as he puts the pieces together.

"The married man, is that him?"

"Yes."

"Just for him."

"Yes. I came here, to this town, to find him, and his wife – Kana, Kazu's sensei – disapproves."

Takeo rests on the bench, a contemplative look on his face, "the only reasons I think she'd be disapproving is if you were trying to start something with her, or her husband. Like, if you were in love with him."

He glances at her with some pained curiosity, "are you in love with him?"

She grimaces and puts a hand to her forehead, "I don't know. I'm in a weird place right now, Takeo."

He shrugs his shoulders in that way he always does, and pours two cups of tea. He hands her the pink cup, sips from the blue cup and beckons her to the rose garden outside.

"Alright, come—I've got time."

"What?"

"Tell me about it."

Reluctantly, they sit in the lounge chairs on the patio and talk over the cups of tea.

She tells him how she's in a strange place. She thinks she loves him, but she doesn't want to be in love with him, yet part of her heart still wants him just a little bit.

She reminds him about the rainy day visit to the coffee shop, how she ran out and chased after him in the rain and cried and cried and cried until she had nothing else to cry about because she had already cried about everything.

She tells him about when she felt so useless and unloved in the world to the extent that if she jumped off a bridge and dropped straight into the pits of hell that she wouldn't think anybody would notice, nobody would care.

She tells him about meeting Kana, the arts and crafts store, the party, the kiss, the meeting in the school, Kazu's doctor's appointment, everything that had lead her one step closer to him.

And she tells him of the car the other day, the other perfect moment where they had just sat and talked. She realized how much she had missed just being with Shō for Shō, not Shō the husband or Shō the doctor or Shō the untouchable dream. He was just there, so was she, and it was perfect.

Takeo breathes in and out and stays silent throughout the entire conversation; he's a good listener.

"What do you think?"

"I think I'm still confused."

Arrietty sighs.

"But, I will ask again. You're not in love with him anymore?"

"Not anymore…I don't think…I don't know."

"But you love him."

"He's very special to me."

"You didn't answer the question."

Arrietty turns away and just gazes out into nothing, "Love is a big thing, Takeo. I spent twelve years of my life just throwing love and what it meant away. It was so easy to think I loved him…I'd forgotten what that felt like after so long."

Takeo nods, "I get that."

"You do?"

"Yeah."

They sit in silence. A cold breeze blows in.

"He's renewing his vows in fifteen days. Then they're going on a second honeymoon." Arrietty adds gravely. Takeo shakes his head.

"Okay. He's a married guy; you still want to spend time with him after all that?"

Arrietty nods, "this is twelve years of catching up I'm talking about here."

A ghost of a smile passes over Takeo's face, "Well, then, just some advice—"

"Okay."

"—don't…I dunno, don't overstep your bounds, you know? Whatever you think crossing the line is take five steps back, and that's a safe distance. Kana…she's unusual that way, you never really know how she's going to react."

Arrietty gives him a pointed stare.

"She's Kana to you as well?"

"What—huh?"

"As in, she's not Sensei…?"

Takeo notices, "oh…yeah. We're…friends." First name basis."

"Alright, if you say so," she says, getting up from the lounge chair, but then she stops and turns to look at him, "but hey, I feel like you know way too much about me, considering I don't know anything at all about you."

Takeo shrugs nonchalantly, "you want to know something? Go ahead."

Arrietty thinks.

"How was America?"

"Fine. It was cold."

"How many American women did you date while you were there?"

"Ooh, Arrietty – just one."

"And how did that end?"

"Badly."

"Ouch, I won't ask. Plan on getting married?"

"Between now and the next five years, yes."

"Any idea to whom?" she shrugs casually.

Takeo's face falls momentarily, "I thought I did, but not anymore."

Arrietty studies his crestfallen expression, "something bad happen?"

"I…We wanted different things, I guess."

He doesn't say any more.

"How long ago was that?" Arrietty questions in a murmur.

'Not long…five years ago. Before I went to America, she broke it off. She wanted to have kids, start a family, and I…I dunno, I guess I wasn't ready. There was so much I still wanted to do, you know?" he glances at her and Arrietty's heart breaks to see his expression is stoic and cold, but his eyes are becoming glassy.

"But you were only twenty, weren't you? Didn't she want to do things in the world as well?" she asks sadly.

"The only thing she had ever wanted to be was a mother. Maybe because hers wasn't there for her, or some other reason she kept from me, or she just didn't see me as someone she could have a family with…I don't know, I didn't keep in touch with her."

Arrietty gives him a pat on the shoulder.

"Hey. I'm sure that wasn't it."

"She didn't want to move to America with me, she wanted to go to college, get a degree, settle down. So, we fought, I left, she didn't try to stop me."

His voice hardens and shakes his head, "nah, Arrietty, don't worry about it. It was five years ago. It's in the past. You," he points to her, "focus on the present while it's still here."

Arrietty gives him a placid smile.

"Thanks."

"Anytime."

"You sure you're okay?"

"Yeah. I'm fine."

He's lying.

"If you say so," she says finally, clasping her empty cup in both hands and retreating into the house.

"I do," Takeo replies to nobody in particular.

* * *

_a/n__:_hey again, so in case I caused any confusion, when I mean first name basis, Japanese people traditionally use honorifics (-kun for teenage boys, -chan for children, -san for general people you're not close with etc.) so what Arrietty is puzzled is about is that Takeo doesn't refer to Kana as Kana-sensei, first names are normally only used if you are close to the person you are calling.

Also, although I'm using Japanese Arrietty (Shō, not Shawn), I haven't been using honorifics in this story because I'm kind of not bothered with it all (you guys are all reading in English anyway) - so until next time!


	15. Soon

**COULD HAVE BEANS**

Soon 

_a/n:_ long time, how is everybody? thank you for reading, as always!

* * *

Arrietty's decided she doesn't like the hospital.

In her run as a Bean, she's been to the place thrice and the smell doesn't get any less clinical, the lights don't get any less harsh, and the feeling of anxiety and tragedy and death cling incessantly to the atmosphere. It just makes her feel uneasy, most of the time.

Fourth time might be the charm, as she takes Kazu to the hospital to get his healing arm checked out. At least she doesn't dread the sight of Shō's face anymore.

The young doctor gives her a smile as looks around the corner, "Kazuhiko?"

During the test she blanks out a little. Shō uses a lot of, not difficult, but unfamiliar and foreign terms that would seem out of place in a Borrower world. Kazu's patted on the back and sent on his way after a while.

"You run off and play now," Shō tells him.

The boy totters off to play with the toy-box in the foyer, while Shō turns to her, closing the door. She's still a little dazed, a little tired for reasons she can't yet comprehend, so he waves at her.

"Arrietty, hello?"

She shakes her head quickly and returns to reality.

"Yep. Sorry."

Shō chuckles and hands her some complicated looking documents.

"Kazuhiko is recovering nicely. His cast should be off within the two weeks coming, just make sure he takes care of it. And himself."

"Got it."

Shō nods comprehensively, "Alright, so where is his mother? Nothing against you, but shouldn't she be in the hospital with him?"

Arrietty has to think about it. Rena had appeared sprightly for her age when they had first met, but as the days went by, she seemingly became more and more tired each day.

"She's tired, I suppose."

"Hm."

Shō's office is mildly impressive. The walls are painted clinically white without much decor, but one corner where the bed is bursts with color. There are stuffed animals, drawings done by young children and polka dot animals, drawings done by young children and polka dot curtains that are amusingly sore on her eyes.

"Did a circus throw up in that corner?" she chuckles.

Shō glances over and gives her a wry smile.

"A children's corner that is."

"For what?"

He looks at her pointedly, "I specialize in children's treatment, you know."

"Really?"

"Yeah. It shouldn't make a difference in my profession," he glances at her with a grin, "or the way you see it."

Arrietty is now very much impressed and something about it touches her heart. He must have chosen that specialty for a reason –probably the same reason he had to live with during his childhood, the pain of restrictions that come with being gravely ill at an age where rules aren't meant to be followed.

How he expects her not to look at him with a new found admiration bewilders her.

"What is it?" he asked.

"You chose this life for a purpose, didn't you? You chose it because you didn't want other kids to live the way you did?"

He smiles at the truth in her words.

"Nobody deserves to live the way I did…the way I _do_. I have to make a difference somehow."

A comfortable silence settles over the room. Shō clears his throat to break the silence.

"So, ah, have you thought about getting yourself checked out yet?"

"What?"

"I mean, Kana told me you're going to the fair, aren't you?"

"Yes, but what does that have to do with anything?"

He laughs that marvelous, melodious laugh, "Some of these rides in the human world don't allow you to go on if you have heart or back problems. I don't know if borrowers have doctors—"

"—they don't—"

"—well, it's better if you get checked out then. You should book an appointment soon. Just a regular check-up should be fine."

Arrietty raises an eyebrow, "aren't they expensive?"

"What?"

"Doctors' appointments. You have all this equipment and hoorah."

"Well, they are necessary."

She murmurs her agreement.

"Ah, so how do these doctors' appointments work? As in…what happens? The doors are always closed so I can't exactly see inside—"

Shō chuckles softly.

"They're all nice people, Arrietty. It's a lot of little tests to make sure that all the parts of your body are healthy. They take your temperature maybe, peek into your mouth and ears, listen to your heartbeat…"

He notices her distant gaze.

"I don't think I'm comfortable with a stranger doing these things to me."

"Arrietty—"

"No, I'm telling the truth. Back home, my parents wouldn't even let me out of the house. I had rare contacts with anyone other than my parents and Spill."

"Spill?"

"Spiller. Friend."

"Oh."

"Yeah."

She feels a little remorse saying his name, It's not that she doesn't miss him, she does. But if he slips her mind for a while, he won't reappear again because she doesn't think about him.

Somehow, Arrietty begins to think becoming a human has made her selfish. Her selflessness had been a virtue she prided in herself as a child, which went out the window, supposedly, as soon as she met Shō.

That boy and huge, golden heart essentially twisted everything around. Not that she would take any of those memories back. No, she wouldn't trade them in for the world or the heavens.

"Would you let me?"

"What?"

Shō has his gaze on an unusual looking medical device. He approaches her gently with it in hand, Arrietty instinctively leans away from him.

"This is a stethoscope, Arrietty. To take your heartbeat. If it's faster or slower than usual, then something will be wrong and I will tell you. Standard procedure, alright?"

She looks at it long and hard. It's not sharp, but it does look heavy. It's not moving in any way, but that doesn't mean it's not dangerous.

"I don't understand why you humans need all these strange things. We Borrowers get by just fine without any of them."

Shō chuckles mildly, "our technology is very advanced here, Arrietty. We've come to make use of it. I think you could, if you wanted to, as well."

"What, make our own little machines?"

"Well, yes, why not?"

Arrietty scoffs.

"We live life naturally and in its organic state – simple and well-mannered. I don't think we'd find a use for a stethoscaleporten—"

"—ah, stethoscope, actually—"

"—yes; that. We wouldn't find a use for it."

Shō appears perplexed by this.

"So, how would you know if you were sick?" he asks.

"We can feel it."

"What about diseases?"

"Same thing, we can feel it."

"You can feel everything?"

"Absolutely."

"Alright, a little Borrower-to-Human experiment, then," he proposes, rubbing his hands together. Arrietty relaxes and leans against the wall, arms crossed.

"Okay."

"Can you tell the rate of your heartbeat?"

Arrietty's smile falters, "the rate?"

"How many beats per minute, I mean."

"Don't be ridiculous, Shō, nobody can know that."

"This can," he holds up another device, she's not even sure where he pulled it from, "it's called a heart monitor. If I connect it to a computer, it will tell me what your heart is doing, at every minute of every day."

Arrietty's wonderment is apparent, and she cannot control the marvelous smile spreading across her face.

"No."

"Absolutely, yes."

"It can't do that. Nothing can do that."

"If you don't believe me, we can test it."

Arrietty shakes her head, "I believe you. The stethisopheron sounds less scary."

"Alright, we'll test Borrowers first. Tell me what your heart is doing right now."

"Beating."

Shō smirks and strides across the room to stand with her.

"Very funny. What are you feeling, Arrietty? Borrowers can feel everything, right?"

Arrietty exhales and relaxes.

Breathe in, breathe out.

Shō leans against the bed next to her, watching.

Instantaneously, she feels her breathing quicken just a little. Not rapidly enough to be immediately noticeable, but enough so that she can feel it. She tries to relax it, to no avail.

"So?"

"Wait."

She breathes in and out. In her peripheral, she glances at Shō. They haven't come this close as of yet, just being close to each other. During the kiss she hadn't had her wits about her, but now it's as if all the nerves in her body are static and alive. She's suddenly perceptive of the pure vitality she's emitted just being near him. It's a marvelous, fantastical and scary, a rare feeling.

"My heart?" she questions, he nods wordlessly, "I think it's beating faster."

She hears him take a breath then say, "we'll check it."

He takes the stethoscope and puts the two ends into his ears, the other, rounded metal end against her chest. Then he just waits.

He murmurs something.

"What?" she whispers.

"I just want to see…" he replies just as softly.

And with this, he leans in a little closer to her face. She can see every inch of his features – brown eyes filled with a certain warmth, mouth open a little, tiny freckles sprinkled along his nose and cheeks that are invisible at a normal distance.

For a second, it seems as if he's leaned in, initiating something. She knows this time, it's not her.

She can feel his forehead lightly pressed against hers but that's all that happens.

Shō pulls away and clears his throat, "yeah, it's faster."

Her heart drops about a mile into her stomach. He takes his stethoscope back and returns it to the table.

"Yeah, just…maybe, yeah. You're young and healthy. You won't have any problem at the fair."

"Okay. That's good."

She turns to pick up her bags and the files she's been given when before she knows it, he has a hand on her arm and turned her around to face him.

"Arrietty…"

He loosens grip and lets his hand fall to hers, holding it very lightly. It feels so easy and effortless; she wonders how it hasn't happened before. Their hands fit together like halves of a two-piece puzzle.

And the most in his eyes, hauntingly warm and full of unspoken passion. They're so close to her now, and have grown up as he has – they're no longer as bright and youthful as they were, twelve years ago, but darker and stark, with purpose.

They're both on her, taking every inch of her face. She feels her face flush but doesn't dare move.

"Arrietty…"

He says it again, but this time with some denial in his voice, as if he's not meant to say it in such a circumstance.

"What?" Her voice is barely above a whisper.

"I…"

A knock on the door shatters the perfect, magical illusion. He release her and they both breathe slowly and steadily as Kazu comes in.

"Doctor Shō! Did you know what I've forgotten?"

"What is it, Kazu?" He's changed how he reacts, his smile becomes brighter and fuller.

"Now that I've broken my arm, we can't do the fish game!"

Arrietty interjects, "fish game?"

Shō chuckles, "watch."

They do, what Arrietty assumes, is a one handed fish game, which involves them slapping their hands together and saying a rhyme that has nothing to do with fish. That aside, they are both left laughing.

"Alright, time to go, Kazu." Shō says, "I have another patient waiting."

Kazu waves a goodbye, and Arrietty looks at the doctor with a shake of her head.

"What is it?" Shō asks with a small smile.

"How do you expect anyone to look at you the same after doing that?"

"What?"

"The children, the toys, the fish game?"

"Oh," he laughs, and with a slight shrug, "that's a hidden charm."

"Yes, it is." She says completely seriously, it catches him off-guard.

He smiles, akin to how he had before, and with a nod of his head and eyes not breaking contact with hers, "see you soon."

And Arrietty wonders if a change of heart had materialized from that one appointment, or if it had been a steady, steady process; she had felt her heart racing and pulse throbbing and head spinning.

But perhaps _he_ hadn't, until now.


End file.
